Of Reasons Behind Encounters

Friday, 16 January 2015

5 days to go.

I met an old friend of mine today.

He messaged me on Facebook a week before asking me how I was doing and what I have been up to, like he normally does from time to time. Normally because he wants me to attend either a seminar or a convention in relation to his marketing business. But this time, when he asked me what I have been up to, instead of saying nothing much, I answered that I have been packing. To which, he was nothing short of taken aback.

“Why!?!” he asked me.

“Oh, you know, because I’m going back for good.” I replied.

“But you never told me anything!?!” he said.

One thing led to another, he then asked me for a meet up, a catch-up session, if you may. Last catch-up session before I went back for good. To which I happily said yes.

And so we agreed to meet up on Friday evening, right after he finished work.

To be honest, on that day, I was rather reluctant to meet him. Reason being, on that particular day, I have been up and about since the early morning and spent my whole day busy roaming around the city running errands. I was so all over the place that I did not get a chance to eat lunch or even drink water much. Hence, I was feeling terribly hungry before the meet-up. Couldn’t take the hunger anymore, I proceeded to message this friend of mine, asking if he would be keen for dinner. He was not. With my stomach rumbling and my head spinning, I felt extremely cranky. You know how hunger ticks me off! ūüė°¬† Furthermore, that whole day was crappy af. Things did not go according to my plan, everything was so disorganised. So at the end of the day, I was just utterly exhausted, dehydrated AND¬†hungry.

But things kinda turned another way when I finally met him.

Well, to start off, he is¬†a big ball of positivity! And it has been ages since I last saw him. Well, not ‘ages’ ages, the last time I met him was a year ago. He tried to get me into his business exactly two years ago, when I was struggling with the stress of my full time job. I was not sure enough to join his business at that time¬†so I declined his offer politely. A year passed by and we met again¬†last year¬†to catch up on life. I remember telling him that I had finally quit my job and left that creepy manager of mine, to which I remember him happily responded with:

“I told you to quit the job. You deserve much better than that!”

That was last year. A year had conveniently gone by and finally we met again. We spoke about our future as well as reminisced about our past. The friends that we still keep in contact with, the routine that we find ourselves engulfed in everyday. We talked about Melbourne. We talked about passion and goals. Being a passionate individual that he is, he shared with me his passion about his business and how regretful he often feels every time he hears stories of friends giving up on businesses similar to his because they could not see results. Short term results, that is. We then discussed about how long term results require substantial amount of commitment, perseverance and in my opinion, passion. All in all, this guy is all about his business and career. We then talked about how both of us are going to spend Chinese New Year this year with our families back home and how annoying that time of the year can be when the elderlies would ask us about when we are planning to get married and have a family. We laughed about it but he ended his line with how distant that idea is to him at the moment. The idea of getting married and settling down. He continued with commenting on how times have changed. Perhaps it was simple for people to settle down, get married, and have kids back in the olden days as things were simpler back then. But now, there are just too much expectations involved in the whole idea of getting married and providing for a wife that he was not afraid to say aloud that he is definitely not ready yet. All he wants to do now is to build his career and find ways to earn as much money as possible. Or in his own words:

“Can’t even support myself, need to support a wife somemore?”

When I was listening to him talking about this, it reminded me with conversations that I had with another friend of mine. Also in his early 20s. A striking resemblance between the two blokes was how completely obsessed they are with their career, and how clueless and unprepared they are with the idea of settling down and having a family of their own. I feel for them though..

Even though I reckon the whole difference of mindset between young women and men in their early 20s in regards to marriage is rather unfair, like,¬†we girls aim to settle down early to mid twenties (ideally)¬†whilst them guys will only want to settle down once they are able. Financially and mentally, which will ideally be in their thirties. And they are lucky because men age like wine while women, let’s just say we have an expiry date. Brutally unfair. But on the other hand, I can sort of see where these guys are coming from..

Anyway, so we talked and talked until it was time to go.

We took the same tram but I had to get off at the stop after. It was a crowded tram. But as crowded as the tram was, we still managed to hug each other goodbye before I got off. He’s always been friendly that way…..

Which brings me to this:

Don’t you think that it’s funny how human relationships work? How people meet each other, choose to being friends and continue to keep in contact over the years? Him and I, we were never close. Like, we met each other during our Trinity years, five years back. But even during then, we never really talked to each other often, we rarely belonged to the same class (even never, I think), we did not share the same circles of friends. And yet, after all these years, it’s funny that he still stuck around. In my life, that is.

I used to question the reason why. Why would a person¬†seem to¬†have stuck¬†around in your life throughout the years when you were never even close with him or her to begin with. It’s even funnier when you think of it this way – ironically, people whom you were closer with at the beginning, often find themselves getting further and further away from¬†you¬†as years flew by.

I used to believe there was a reason. There must be a reason why this person is always there. Why this person is still in your life, even say, you never made any effort for him or her to stay?

But perhaps, sometimes, not everything happens for a reason.

Sometimes, convenience or even coincidence takes the better of the circumstances. Over reasons..

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Still on the market

Friend: Hey, do you have a boyfriend?

Me: No. Why?

Friend: Why not?

Me: Because… I haven’t found the right person yet?

Friend: Oh my Gosh! You should totally meet this friend of mine! You guys would totally look good together!

And here it goes again….

Do you like being introduced to people? Well, I don’t. Being introduced as friends: maybe sometimes yes. But being introduced as potential love partners? How about, a big fat no? Not by friends. Not even by parents.

Idk man, I just don’t like the idea behind it. I actually find it quite insulting, really.. ¬†It’s not like I’m THAT desperate for a boyfriend (well, actually maybe I am lolz) but the idea of being introduced to a guy, i simply don’t get. Perhaps because I’m shy, or perhaps because I’m merely defensive.¬†It somehow appears to me as if me and that guy are so desperate for love partners and as much as we try to look for them ourselves on the market, nobody wants us. And hence, as a last resort, we have people introducing us with the same species. Despo, nobody-wants-you, you’re-on-sale, lonely people, desperately looking for love to actually have someone else¬†doing the looking for us by introducing us to friends because it appears that we don’t have the capabilities to do so ourselves.

I don’t know why, but I have always wanted for my love life to blossom naturally. With someone that I met by chance. I want it to flow naturally, and not planned. I want him to be looking for anything else and yet he found me and likewise.

I don’t want to be out looking for love.
I want love to be out looking for me..

Are you rich?

Or do you sound rich? Either ways, I don’t care.

“Di atas langit, masih ada langit.”

“šłÄŚĪĪŤŅėśúČšłÄŚĪĪťęė “ (Meaning: There is always another mountain that is higher.)

My sweet friend, please stop flaunting your abilities and wealth to others so carelessly. Some people do not appreciate that. I talk to you with my heart by looking straight into your eyes to get to know you as a person, an individual with a set of principles and ideas. It’s not about whatever bag you carry, whatever shoes you wear, whatever car you drive, or even whatever undies or nightgowns you sleep in.

You, talking about those kinds of things blatantly and insensitively, only make you look shallow and dumb, my dear.

It might make you feel good, talking about money, or your ability to spend money.

But how ironic it is to think that the money¬†that you so proudly talk about, ain’t¬†even your own.

I’m not trying to bestow¬†harsh judgements on you or anything.

But what I’m saying is, please stop making a fool out of yourself.

It makes us, the spectators feel sorry for you. To how ignorant you are.

You may be oblivious to the fact that you are not the richest but your spectators may not, as they’ve probably ¬†seen someone greater, richer, and with a bigger heart.

And you know what those people who are greater, richer, and with bigger hearts do?¬†They don’t talk about unnecessary things unnecessarily.

Another Indonesian proverb suddenly came to mind, “Tong kosong nyaring bunyinya.”, which means that the louder you talk, the more likely you’re an empty vessel, really.

So all the bull crap that you were trying to impress me with, sorry ma’am but I ain’t impressed.

Instead of blabbing your mouth constantly about wealth, why don’t you just be silent and modest?

If you truly are wealthy, people would notice eventually. Even without you saying a word about it..

I may be fake but I ain’t mean

As I have written over and over again before, I highly regard the state of someone’s heart.

And I dare say that because the state of someone’s heart truly defines and is the perfect reflection of who that person is.

If your heart is good, you will do good to others.

But if your heart is not, countless words that you normally use to describe how good of a person you are will run pointless as your heart shows that you are not just that.

I have a few points to ponder upon in this blog post;

First of all, mockery.

I wonder why do people do mockery?¬†Why does mockery exist in the first place? I don’t see the fun or anything good at all that comes from mocking other people, whom I may or may not know closely. Isn’t that more dangerous though, mocking people whom you do not know very well? Have you ever thought that some people just do not take that kind of shit? Some people do not enjoy the art of mockery, or perhaps, they simply just don’t get the idea of it and how it is supposed to be¬†fun. Does mockery bring people closer? Perhaps, when you are in a group situation, people mock each other to break the ice and get everyone to feel closer together? But why mockery though? Why don’t you think of something else to bring everyone closer together? We are fully-functional human beings¬†with strong brain powers, right? Why don’t use some of those brain power to think of, say, a common topic of interest to start up a conversation that everyone can contribute in and be friends, instead of using the art of mockery to build on a shaky friendship from the start?

Boy, did my mind just run wild there !

I understand that everyone has different personalities. Personalities and characters, they define you and make you different from everyone else. I truly respect that.

And to be more social, I realize that you ought to be flexible when faced with multiple types of personalities. And when there are sparks of differences between those personalities, I have learnt to teach myself not to run from it, but to work around it. You may not be 100% compatible, but a 55% compatibility is always better than none, I guess?

But as I try to apply the aforementioned theory in real life, I am often faced with a dynamic range of issues that makes me want to, you know, just quit.

This is because, I realized, that people¬†just don’t¬†take a hint, do they?

I am not a fan of mockery. To be completely blatant, I am a very serious person (I checked recently, I believe it runs in my family.. ). So any jokes of any kind, be it in the form of mockery, practical jokes, regular jokes, sarcasms, or whatever shit that people do to MAKE FUN of you, I do not take it.

Why not?

Because I don’t do that to other people.

If I don’t do that to you, why do you think I deserve one from you?

So ladies and gents, before you open up your mouth and make fun of me or my life, use your brain power to think, do you really want to do that? Do you like being made fun of? If your answer is no, then do not make fun of other people. As simple as that.

I’m sorry that¬†I feel so strongly about this. It’s just because my soft-spoken nature, quiet demeanour and push-over personality makes me an easy target of bullying in a group situation.

Recently, I have learnt to bring up the courage to voice out my protests whenever I felt bullied, but like I mentioned before, some people obviously do not take a hint. You were obviously able to see the discomfort on my face, the lack of smile on it whenever mean words were exchanged towards me. But you continued to mock. Really, now…?

Did you just go momentarily blind or you just chose to ignore my sentiments for the convenience of the situation?

Some people are just plain stupid and dense, I guess..

I know you. I know how your feelings flow. When you feel down or when you feel truly happy about something, you don’t even need to tell me.

Words are not needed to describe your feelings as I can feel your heart. Because I’m sensitive like that..

But I pointlessly wonder, why can’t you feel mine..?

I guess that’s a downside of being overly sensitive.

Not everyone is sensitive and I just have to deal with it.

Deal with it and move on.

I can suck up a lot of shit, but dealing with ignorant people frustrates the bejeesus out of me !

There’s nothing much that I can do other than pray really hard for the tables to be turned so that people would mock you instead and be oblivious of your feelings.

Then you can use your super power of oblivion to deal with that, huh, champ ?

Asu.

Everyone’s growing

Upon bumping into an old friend of mine on the street, I realized that everyone is growing.

Well, except me…

Everyone has new friends and new lives. A few of them have also been fortunate enough to find their significant others.

That encounter made me think hard, about all the friends that I know. And how I realized that all of them have long moved on with their lives ever since we separated ways. They are working new jobs, joining new courses. From where, they met new friends and acquaintances.

From those acquaintances, I presume they met new friends, and from those new friends, they found new best friends. And if the timing was right, in those new best friends, they found love.

See how their lives are dynamic?

On the other hand, what have I achieved after graduation?

It’s true that I had a¬†job. A new job where I was exposed to new people.

But even there, I didn’t find new friends.

Is it just me? Or is it the way that I’m leading my life?

Finding the perfect fit

With a small cup of latte on the table and a delicate New York cheesecake by its side, we looked ahead, both completely lost in our thoughts, enchanted by the stunning night view of the city of Melbourne.

And it was as I sighed (like I always do) and lifted up the plastic fork, ready to dig in to my cheese cake that she asked me the following question, a question captivating enough to have grabbed my full attention. I proceeded to look at her, pondering as I paused and held my fork mid-air.

“What kind of love are you looking for in your future partner?”

Following the question, she claimed that she had always enjoyed not knowing her partner too much in her previous relationships.

“That’s odd,”¬†I thought to myself, “why would she want to do that? Isn’t the more always the better?”

But as I listened to her explanation, I finally understood why.

She had always enjoyed not knowing too much about her partner in her previous relationships due to her liking¬†on the idea of discovery as the relationship progresses through time.¬†She claimed that¬†the relationship would not be¬†fun to be in anymore if both of the parties already knew everything¬†and anything about each other, with no more¬†elements of surprise. Hence, her despise for the¬†concept¬†of being too comfortable. She has always loved the idea of jumping into a relationship with a stranger instead of starting it off by being friends. Her concept is that when the relationship¬†needs to perhaps regretfully come to an end, she doesn’t have anything to lose as¬†they were not even friends to start with. And that it would not be as awkward to maintain a post-break up relationship with someone she does not know that well about to start with.

Valid arguments, I might say.

But as I listened to her takes on the issue, I could not help but let my mind wander as to how I personally would address the question on hand.

What kind of love am I looking for in my future life partner..?

The kind of love that I am looking for in a potential partner is neither fiery nor bold. It is the kind of love which¬†would be¬†hard to be expressed¬†using¬†simple words. The kind of love that, when asked by other people if I do love him, requires me to pause for a second as I would not be sure if I would love him more than I would potentially hate him. It is the kind of love that constantly brings tears to my eyes as our personalities clash and collide, yet so passionate that it fixates my swollen eyes only on his and how¬†his mere presence brings warmth to my otherwise empty soul that it¬†would render¬†me incapable of letting go.¬†It is the kind of love deep enough that I ridiculously could not categorize him correctly anymore.¬†Will he be¬†a friend, a best friend, a lover, an older brother, a younger brother, an acquaintance, or just a helpless lost boy? The kind of love where we will be so accustomed with each other’s presence¬†that it would be weird not having¬†him around. How it would bring me a sense of liberty¬†to be away¬†from¬†him once in a while, yet how it tickles my gut, in a bad way,¬†not having¬†him by my side like I would always do.¬†It would be as if¬†he was¬†always a part of my energy and that part is suddenly gone. It is the kind of love that would bring us closer even in silence. The kind of love where I¬†could lend¬†him my shoulder and¬†him lending me¬†his ears without any questions or judgements. The kind of love that would make me constantly wonder about how different I have become ever since I got together with him, and how wonderfully so. The kind of love that would allow my tired soul to come to a rest in the strong, assuring arms of¬†his incomplete soul. It is where our hearts and souls could comfortably lean on each other for mutual strength and support. A peaceful state inexplicable, indescribable¬†to others in simple words. It is the kind of love that would make me finally feel complete. The kind of love that would make me stronger than I ever was yet so vulnerable. The kind of love that would leave me shaking my head in helplessness every damn time I would think about him. It is the kind of love where we could no longer list down the reasons that made us fall in love with each other¬†in the first place anymore yet in the back of our minds, we could no longer picture how our lives would be without each other’s presence, how unimportant we may playfully claim it to the rest of the world.

“It is the kind of love that would make me feel weird not having him around me as we would be that helpless without each other,” I replied to my friend.

Upon hearing my answer, an involuntary,¬†almost inaudible aww escaped her lips. Not long, a slight expression of pity coloured her¬†visage as she retorted, “But that would mean that you guys would not be able to remain friends after a break up. It’s just impossible. As you guys would already be that comfortable and attached with each other, taking one from another one’s life would¬†probably almost equate to taking out a chunk of different types of relationships out of the other one’s life altogether. That you would lose a lover, a best friend, a friend, and a brother due to that break up. How would you be able to survive?’

As I listened and nodded to her sad words, I could not help but fearfully accept the painful ending to my otherwise perfect form of love. Should I get so comfortable with someone, if the relationship ends, how exactly would I be able to survive?

What is a friend?

Seriously. What is it, really?

What defines a friend?

Not an acquaintance. Not a best friend. Just. a. f r i e n d.

I recently found myself being slowly but surely exposed to different types of people and personalities and truthfully, I have actually quite enjoyed it. Which, of course, came as a surprise due to my anti-social nature.

Most of the time, I am afraid of being hurt. I am afraid of people judging me and not accepting me for who I am. To be completely honest, I am most afraid when people would think less of my friend (usually the introducer) because of me.

But towards the end, I just sort of shut all them negative ideas out and just went for it.

However, the more I meet different types of people, the more I question the meaning behind friendship.

Of course you can easily differentiate your best friend from the herd, but just a friend? How?

There was an occasion where I thought I was pretty close to a friend before, but was utterly devastated when it turned out that he did not even remember some basic information about myself. You might think I am being petty, but when that information occurred to me, I was truly torn apart. Why, you might ask? Because, we met previously on numerous occasions, just the two of us. If we were in a group, I would totally understand if you could not wrap your head around whatever shit that I was telling you about due to information overload. But when it was only the two of us and I even thought that¬†those meetings were meant for us¬†to get to know each other better, then in the end you showed up knowing absolutely nothing about me after those meetings, it kinda broke my heart. It did because you were obviously not paying attention whatsoever about whatever shit I was telling you about. I hated the idea of wasting my time on someone that I thought could potentially be “a friend”¬†and¬†learnt that he¬†has always thought¬†of me as a stranger instead. Or perhaps even worse, I hated the idea that he might have asked me out just because he was bored and his other friends were not around. So that makes me the convenient one, eh? How funny.

There was also another occasion, an ongoing one, I might add. In this occasion, this friend of mine has her birthday coming up in 2 days time. A little¬†bit of a background story, she has been sending me VERY BOLD signals¬†about her birthday which is coming soon, hinting me of what her friends usually do to her¬†on her birthdays, telling me stories about those crazy birthday nights, hinting me of what kind of cake she likes and doesn’t like, what kind of present she is expecting from her friends, etc etc.¬†To be fair, I am¬†pretty sure that those information that she has been sharing with me is enough for me to construct¬†the perfect birthday surprise for her. Of course, it was¬†defo not her intention, neither was it¬†what she has been expecting out of me, it was purely unintentional, guys. With no hidden meanings or carefully inserted¬†hint words. Sense the sarcasm.¬†Long story short, this friend of mine has been sending me these hints and signals like crayyzehh. I can be quite ignorant, but I can definitely catch a hint when I see one. Even from miles away. Ok no, that was an exaggeration.¬†But the thing is, after telling me¬†about how “horrifying” her previous birthdays were with food and drinks alike thrown at her and¬†how¬†humiliated she felt¬†when she was asked to order food from Maccas with her face drawn on, out of the most absurd reasons, this friend of mine sort of¬†self-invited herself to “hide” in my apartment during the night of her birthday. Two things¬†are not right here. First,¬†even though we¬†have known each other since we were little, we¬†were not close enough to be “friends” until very recently. And second,¬†I did not even get a chance to say a yes or a no to that self-invitation¬†when, before I even know it, she had already broadcasted to her friends that she “will not be available” “on her birthday that is coming soon” as she plans on staying over at “her primary school friend’s house”.¬†Did you realize how many quotation marks I have been using in this paragraph? That conveys how doubtful I was and still am about her true intention for her birthday!

I find it peculiar though, why would you alert your friends of your upcoming birthday and beg them not to surprise you this year in a tone that blatantly requests for the opposite? The fact that she mentioned it oh-so-many-times-like-in-every-possible-occasions makes it seem to be more of a desperate request for it to happen¬†instead of¬†a genuine plea to not let it happen again, drawing from previous experiences. Perhaps she really wants to have food thrown at her on her birthday. Hey, I’m no judge. It’s her birthday, she can wish for whatever she wants.

But the reason why I questioned my friendship with this girl was because of this; Remember when I told you that I had neither said yes nor no to her self-invitation to my apartment on her birthday night? Towards the end, I have been¬†telling her of the possibility¬†that¬†I might be going to my sister’s place to celebrate my niece’s birthday on the 25th with the exact staying over¬†dates still undecided. And as unfortunate as it turned out, my sister actually requested me to stay over for more than a week this time round. Therefore, after much deliberation,¬†we¬†decided that it is best for me to stay over starting on the 18th up till the 25th so as I will be present on the actual birthday itself. Having already discussed that, I finally broke the news to this friend of mine, saying that I might not be able to accommodate her during her birthday as I will be out of town. She said it was fine. Or so I thought.. Before I knew it, she has already started complaining incessantly saying things like how I¬†had given¬†her false hope, and that I betrayed her on her birthday. Before I told her that I will be staying over at my sis, she was really nice to me. But now that I had told her that I will not be around, she sort of changed a little bit? It¬†is to the point that actually¬†makes me wonder if she was just doing those nice things previously¬†out of spite in anticipation of her upcoming birthday. Maybe I am just being a bit sensitive, like I normally do. I don’t know.

Now, if you could all please tell me, what defines a friend, really?

How do you know when not to put in too much effort into it to avoid of being hurt?

And on the other side, when not to be overly nonchalant about it in the¬†risk of losing a potential “friend” who could turn out to be a real friend?