– etc

I was casually chatting with a friend of mine earlier today.

We were talking about travels and such when the topic naturally went astray to talking about boys (of course).

She said to me, “Let’s go travel and look at cute boys together! Let’s find boyfriends together!”

I laughed at her idea, but then I stopped as I realized and immediately retorted,

“Eh! Why do YOU want to look at cute boys and find a boyfriend!!”

“How about xxx??”

“You and xxx..”

“Don’t tell me..”

I was expecting for the worst.

And the worst was what I got.

“Nooo, we broke up alreadyyy”, she replied.

“WHAT?!”

“WHEN?? WHY???” were the only responses that I could come up with.

At this age of mine, I am not sure of what’s more shocking.

A friend breaking up with her partner or a friend getting married with her partner.

I often feel that I’m in an age purgatory.

In an awkward transition of being young and carefree with absolutely no care in the world to being all grown up making big ass decisions and commitments.

It’s like, I feel that we are not “there” yet at our level of maturity but we have sort of “passed” those days of fun and freedom.

Just like how Taylor Swift puts it in 22, “… we’re happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time.”

Except I’m not 22.

But it’s the same awkward feeling looking at our peers either still denying the urgent need to grow up or trying hard to be taken seriously in the society.

Anyway, back to where we left off.

So this friend of mine told me that she had recently broken up with her boyfriend.

Reason being, she isn’t even sure.

They have been in a long distance relationship since she came back home for good last year so perhaps that contributed heaps to the decision..? I don’t know.

And then she continued telling me about how she is torn between finding a new one and giving her heart a rest.

One thing led to another, she then told me how another friend of ours was able to find a new boyfriend within a month of having broken up with her old one. And how an old boyfriend of another friend of ours found a new girlfriend within a few months of breaking up, even though he was previously in a very serious, committed, long term relationship with that other friend of ours. They were together for almost 6 years and the fact that the boyfriend could find a speedy replacement for her within a few months of them breaking up was completely beyond us.

They hurt, don’t they. Break ups.

large

After listening to this friend of mine, it got me thinking.

People are putting their hearts out there.

People are actually wearing their hearts on their sleeves.

They are loving so openly and how they change from partner to partner within such a short period of time is almost too fascinating to believe.

Doesn’t your heart need to heal?

I mean, to be in a relationship, you need to give your partner your all.

And if your all are taken away from you, what have you got left of you?

If you were “playing smart” and wasn’t giving your all to your partner in the first place, then was the relationship of any worth?

If not, why bother entering into it in the first place?

I think this is the reason why I am not in a relationship, huh..

I think too much.

And perhaps feel a little too much too.

Too much too early.

But seriously though, sometimes I couldn’t seem to be able to wrap my head around how young people love and/or do relationships nowadays.

Let’s take another case of someone I know.

He had only met this girl approximately one or two weeks ago.

He had only known her for two weeks tops.

But he still decided to ask her out and now they are officially boyfriend and girlfriend.

Like,

How much are you able to know about another person within a time span of weeks?

Do you view relationships so casually?

Am I supposed to view relationships more casually?

Have I been thinking too much all these while?

Sometimes, as a form of consolation, I think to myself.

God must love me so much that God doesn’t want me to hurt at all.

You know how relationships hurt when they don’t work out.

Maybe God wants me to be patient as God has prepared the best one for me.

So that I don’t need to waste my time hurting with all the wrong people.

God is preparing the best for me, the perfect partner for me to spend the rest of my life with.

God is preventing me from suffering through all the wrong sorts of relationships.

But at the same time, I question myself, thinking.

When relationships don’t work..

It does not mean that it wasn’t worth being in at all.

Do you know how much does it take for someone’s heart to suffer that much for another person?

Through relationships, your heart grows.

And through each break ups, in every relationships, the heart continues to learn.

To be better and bigger.

Learning to let go.

And regardless of the amount of pain that it had been through, the heart still continues to eventually heal itself and continue to love.

But how about me?

When do I get the chance to learn?

Which makes me think..

Is it really a good thing for me not to be involved in any relationships?

Even the dummy ones, ones that aren’t meant to last.

Can’t I at least have one or two of those for practice?

So that I know how to appreciate the right one when he comes along?

Of Reasons Behind Encounters

Friday, 16 January 2015

5 days to go.

I met an old friend of mine today.

He messaged me on Facebook a week before asking me how I was doing and what I have been up to, like he normally does from time to time. Normally because he wants me to attend either a seminar or a convention in relation to his marketing business. But this time, when he asked me what I have been up to, instead of saying nothing much, I answered that I have been packing. To which, he was nothing short of taken aback.

“Why!?!” he asked me.

“Oh, you know, because I’m going back for good.” I replied.

“But you never told me anything!?!” he said.

One thing led to another, he then asked me for a meet up, a catch-up session, if you may. Last catch-up session before I went back for good. To which I happily said yes.

And so we agreed to meet up on Friday evening, right after he finished work.

To be honest, on that day, I was rather reluctant to meet him. Reason being, on that particular day, I have been up and about since the early morning and spent my whole day busy roaming around the city running errands. I was so all over the place that I did not get a chance to eat lunch or even drink water much. Hence, I was feeling terribly hungry before the meet-up. Couldn’t take the hunger anymore, I proceeded to message this friend of mine, asking if he would be keen for dinner. He was not. With my stomach rumbling and my head spinning, I felt extremely cranky. You know how hunger ticks me off! 😡  Furthermore, that whole day was crappy af. Things did not go according to my plan, everything was so disorganised. So at the end of the day, I was just utterly exhausted, dehydrated AND hungry.

But things kinda turned another way when I finally met him.

Well, to start off, he is a big ball of positivity! And it has been ages since I last saw him. Well, not ‘ages’ ages, the last time I met him was a year ago. He tried to get me into his business exactly two years ago, when I was struggling with the stress of my full time job. I was not sure enough to join his business at that time so I declined his offer politely. A year passed by and we met again last year to catch up on life. I remember telling him that I had finally quit my job and left that creepy manager of mine, to which I remember him happily responded with:

“I told you to quit the job. You deserve much better than that!”

That was last year. A year had conveniently gone by and finally we met again. We spoke about our future as well as reminisced about our past. The friends that we still keep in contact with, the routine that we find ourselves engulfed in everyday. We talked about Melbourne. We talked about passion and goals. Being a passionate individual that he is, he shared with me his passion about his business and how regretful he often feels every time he hears stories of friends giving up on businesses similar to his because they could not see results. Short term results, that is. We then discussed about how long term results require substantial amount of commitment, perseverance and in my opinion, passion. All in all, this guy is all about his business and career. We then talked about how both of us are going to spend Chinese New Year this year with our families back home and how annoying that time of the year can be when the elderlies would ask us about when we are planning to get married and have a family. We laughed about it but he ended his line with how distant that idea is to him at the moment. The idea of getting married and settling down. He continued with commenting on how times have changed. Perhaps it was simple for people to settle down, get married, and have kids back in the olden days as things were simpler back then. But now, there are just too much expectations involved in the whole idea of getting married and providing for a wife that he was not afraid to say aloud that he is definitely not ready yet. All he wants to do now is to build his career and find ways to earn as much money as possible. Or in his own words:

“Can’t even support myself, need to support a wife somemore?”

When I was listening to him talking about this, it reminded me with conversations that I had with another friend of mine. Also in his early 20s. A striking resemblance between the two blokes was how completely obsessed they are with their career, and how clueless and unprepared they are with the idea of settling down and having a family of their own. I feel for them though..

Even though I reckon the whole difference of mindset between young women and men in their early 20s in regards to marriage is rather unfair, like, we girls aim to settle down early to mid twenties (ideally) whilst them guys will only want to settle down once they are able. Financially and mentally, which will ideally be in their thirties. And they are lucky because men age like wine while women, let’s just say we have an expiry date. Brutally unfair. But on the other hand, I can sort of see where these guys are coming from..

Anyway, so we talked and talked until it was time to go.

We took the same tram but I had to get off at the stop after. It was a crowded tram. But as crowded as the tram was, we still managed to hug each other goodbye before I got off. He’s always been friendly that way…..

Which brings me to this:

Don’t you think that it’s funny how human relationships work? How people meet each other, choose to being friends and continue to keep in contact over the years? Him and I, we were never close. Like, we met each other during our Trinity years, five years back. But even during then, we never really talked to each other often, we rarely belonged to the same class (even never, I think), we did not share the same circles of friends. And yet, after all these years, it’s funny that he still stuck around. In my life, that is.

I used to question the reason why. Why would a person seem to have stuck around in your life throughout the years when you were never even close with him or her to begin with. It’s even funnier when you think of it this way – ironically, people whom you were closer with at the beginning, often find themselves getting further and further away from you as years flew by.

I used to believe there was a reason. There must be a reason why this person is always there. Why this person is still in your life, even say, you never made any effort for him or her to stay?

But perhaps, sometimes, not everything happens for a reason.

Sometimes, convenience or even coincidence takes the better of the circumstances. Over reasons..

Terrified

God, I’m so afraid.

The time is ticking. It’s going to be December soon and I still have not received any job offer, meaning that my time limit is up and I need to go.

God, I’m so sad.

My heart breaks little by little every single day. Every single day that I have left here in this beautiful country.

As I think about all the memories that I made here. All the regrets. The adventures not embarked, wishes not fulfilled, responsibilities not borne courageously enough.

Which has led me to this very moment, the moment when I am nothing but a big ball of mess.

The things that I could have done differently, the memories that I could have created differently, the tasks that I could have carried out more responsibly, the fun that I could have had more carefreely, the joy I could have enveloped myself with more generously instead of the grief.

So much regrets.

So many wishes.

No time.

No one.

All I have is tears.

My New Aim

My new aim is to shrug off the small things.

Small, daily life occurrences which, even though minor, may affect how you feel for the rest of the day.

You know, when a random stranger calls you a bitch only for having accidentally, say, bumped your shoulder against his/hers or maybe for having accidentally stepped on his/her toes?

Because at the end of the day, what’s important is how YOU feel.

At the end of the day, it’s YOUR life.

Who cares what people say or think about your life and whatever you think constitutes it.

It ain’t their life.

As long as YOU enjoy YOUR life, that’s all that matters.

Don’t listen to them and keep on smiling! 🙂

Because I’m happy~

I Talk About Love

I talk about love.. large

Because love fascinates me.

Come to think about it, the frequency of me talking about love is somewhat horrifying, really.

I talk about it all the time.

I think about it all the time.

It has come to a point where it’s safe to say that ‘love’ is my go-to topic in conversations.

And I would be lying if I didn’t say this but, I have recently noticed that I appear more lively when discussing about love and all its related stories.

As lively as when I talk about horror-related stuff.

Some people might mistake my peculiar passion towards the topic of love as a sign of mere desperation.

Why desperation, you say?

Umm.. I don’t know.. Maybe due to the fact that I’m single?

Isn’t it the most convenient thing to label someone as “that desperado girl who talks about love all the time like she has a clue when we all know that she’s just dying to have a boyfriend” rather than anything else?

Wow so assumptions. Much false. #doge

Why is love so interesting?

Well, let me see..

Love.. is this controversial topic that has bitterness and sweetness attached to it at the same time. It’s always fun to see how an idea of love is perceived by different people. It portrays how diverse the definition of love can be. How arguable yet definitive it is in our lives.

And the thing about love is, people can never stop contributing their own little thoughts to the topic of it, be it based on personal experiences or just off the books. They will always have something to say, even just a tad bit about this whole idea of “love”.

And yet, the discussion would still be never-ending because love evolves and rebrands itself through time.

Gee, how I wish I could be this passionate about other aspects in my life, say, career-wise?

Dance for Yourself

It was on that night, the night when it felt particularly painful to be having you stuck in my mind. The night when I could not even bring myself to think of anything else in this world but you you you and why why why. The night when I grasped my chest hard as I faced my long-time fear of letting you go..

As I sat down on my couch, pathetically wrapped in my blanket while resting my heavy head on the sofa head, that I asked myself a question:

“Now that I have decided to move on from the idea of him in my life, to whom should I dance for from now on ?”

And the answer to that question is, my old self, to dance for no one else other than yourself.

large

Yourself..

Feelings amplify your dance movements. The thoughts of someone whom you perceive as dear to you could bring out wonderful arrays of emotions into your dance. It is through these thoughts that you often decide to let your body go and take control in the first place.

It is true that you may have lost a reason to dance for him. And it hurts because dancing for him was your most favourite thing to do, as you thought about him and how dearly you held him close to your heart.

But now that he had drifted further and further away from your life, are you just going to stop dancing altogether?

That thought really crossed my mind on that night, you know, the thought of quitting dancing altogether. And I was confounded by it. I had somewhat surprised myself by having thought that I had run out of reasons to dance, that there is no more good enough reasons to continue dancing, even though dancing is the only thing that makes me feel liberated. Dancing brings me to a different world of my own, the only place where I can truly shine.

But now that he’s gone, to whom should I ever dance for again?

It was not until I heard my own voice whispering the word “Yourself..” in my head that I snapped back to reality.

“Yourself” was indeed the answer that I was looking for. You may have lost the reason to dance for him, but you have certainly NOT lost the reason to dance for yourself. And isn’t that the most important of all?

Dance for yourself, and not for anyone else.

Make your own feelings the focus of the dance.

Dance radiantly because you are happy. Dance in melancholy because you are sad.

Dance cheekily when you feel playful. Dance powerfully when you feel confident. Dance delicately when you feel vulnerable.

Let your own emotions be the colours that amplify your dance until you find a good enough reason to be dancing for someone else again.

But at the mean time, and I suggest even after finding that other reason to dance for someone else, do continue to have YOU as the heart of your dance.

Make YOURSELF the reason for YOU to start dancing and continue moving.

Dance for yourself, and no one else.

That way, you will never run out of reasons to dance.

Rose

largeYou’ve smelt the roses enough!

Now it’s time for you to buckle real up and touch those thorns already!

Otherwise, your grip will not be strong enough to hold those roses together.

Hey now, you can’t possibly expect to enjoy the beauty of a rose without learning to appreciate its thorns, right?

They’re dangerously beautiful for a reason.

And so is life..

A First For Everything

Today, I dyed my hair.

Eeeekkss !!

Well, not really “dyed”. To be more technically precise, I “highlighted” my hair.

I have always wanted to try and colour my hair. Always at the back of my mind, but never had the guts to do it. Only until recently when I went back to Indonesia for a couple of months that I fully decided that I was definitely going to do it. And so I finally did it.

In summary, it was rather.. disappointing.

The colours that I was opting for were dark purple, burgundy or cherry cola. Colours in the range of purple, pink or maroon. But never brown, because it’s too mainstream. Everyone has brown highlights. I personally feel that it does not show enough of your individuality. I wanted something unique, something crazy.

I went to my usual hair salon with those thoughts in mind, but was utterly disappointed that my hair stylist was thinking differently. I have pitch-black hair, and according to her, brown would be a better choice because it would look natural against my natural hair colour. I voiced out my disapproval and mentioned my ‘anything but brown’ policy. In the end, we both agreed on  a colour that has a brown undertone (because apparently her colour palettes only revolve around that) with a slight pinkish, rosy kind of feel. I agreed on that one because that’s the only non-brown colour there was.

And so the procedure began. I saw her mixing the colours and was quite happy to see that the colour mix was showing a pinkish colour. I got my hair coloured and washed afterwards. To be honest, I was dreading to see the end result. Caught a glimpse of it when my hair stylist was washing my hair and my heart dropped. “That’s not what I want”, I thought to myself while praying that it would look different after dried. But it did not..

In the end, I went home with striking brown highlights all over my hair. Not purple, not pink, not red. Not even the effing slightest of any of them. It was brown. B-R-O-W-N. The colour I hated the most. On my way home, I couldn’t stop looking at mirrors as I hoped that the colour would change to something that would resemble something that I desired. But it did not. It stayed brown..

I was supposed to do some grocery shopping after that, but chose to head straight home instead. I was dying to have a closer look at how my hair actually looked like. When I finally reached home, I started taking pictures from different angles and much to my bewilderment, they were all showing different colours. “Is it brown? Is it orange? Is it reddish brown? What is it?”. I asked myself while still desperately hoping that the colour would change to something more desirable, more unique. But it still.. did not. I felt sick. I was confused. “This is not what I want”, was what was running in my mind non-stop. My head ached. I felt sick just looking at my hair in the mirror. In summary, I was truly and utterly shattered by the ultimate end result of my first hair-colouring experience.

IMG_9402

Beautiful view, isn’t it ?

But hey, life goes on.

Almost 12 hours has passed since I walked out of that hair salon feeling weak in the knees for wasting so much money over something shitty and right now, I actually feel alright with whatever colour my hair is.

Few things remain unchanged, though:

– It is brown, there is no doubt about it.

– I still have no idea how could the pink colour mix had turned into this orangey brown colour that is currently adorning my poor black hair

– I am still feeling a very  v e r y  VERY strong urge to re-highlight it with the colour that I actually want

But em dramas aside, it is what it is.

I spent quite a fortune on this and I shall just learn to love it (for the time being).

The first time-s might not be perfect, but there are always lessons to be learnt out of those tragedies experiences.

Don’t you sometimes wish that you were mute?

Sometimes, I wonder why am I so quiet and rigid.

Then I remember how it is with this household, the household where I grew up in.

In this household, noise is highly frowned upon.

Unnecessary comments and remarks often lead to someone’s feelings being hurt.

Sarcastic jokes or any other forms of playful mockery are deemed satanic for we take them very seriously in this rigid household of ours.

I am always very talkative when I first arrived home, trying to lighten up the mood and bring different array of colours to the mundane life of my parents.

But as time passes by, I often grow tired.

Why?

Because nobody appreciates happiness here.

In this household, it almost feels like a sin for someone to be happy when the others are not.

The happiness is not contagious here. The negativity, unfortunately, is.

So when you are happy and the others aren’t, chances are, your happiness will instantly subside and you will be unhappy again very soon, as you subconsciously attempt to match the general mood of the entire household.

You might be unhappy, but the uniformity with the mood of others, even though bad, makes you feel somehow safer.

That’s how rigid we are.

Sad, isn’t it, living life like this?

That’s why, living in this household, I sometimes wish that I were mute.

So that I do not commit any sin or offend anyone, be it consciously or unconsciously, in any ways possible.

Sometimes, not saying anything is the best solution here, which is unfortunate.

Somebody’s got to speak up and change the way we are.

But like everything else, it’s always harder to resist than conform, right?