Keep Holding On

Keep holding on, will ya?

Life is full of ups and downs.

Some people even use the following picture to illustrate life.

Which is kinda true if you think about it, hey?

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I was casually chatting with a friend of mine earlier today.

We were talking about travels and such when the topic naturally went astray to talking about boys (of course).

She said to me, “Let’s go travel and look at cute boys together! Let’s find boyfriends together!”

I laughed at her idea, but then I stopped as I realized and immediately retorted,

“Eh! Why do YOU want to look at cute boys and find a boyfriend!!”

“How about xxx??”

“You and xxx..”

“Don’t tell me..”

I was expecting for the worst.

And the worst was what I got.

“Nooo, we broke up alreadyyy”, she replied.

“WHAT?!”

“WHEN?? WHY???” were the only responses that I could come up with.

At this age of mine, I am not sure of what’s more shocking.

A friend breaking up with her partner or a friend getting married with her partner.

I often feel that I’m in an age purgatory.

In an awkward transition of being young and carefree with absolutely no care in the world to being all grown up making big ass decisions and commitments.

It’s like, I feel that we are not “there” yet at our level of maturity but we have sort of “passed” those days of fun and freedom.

Just like how Taylor Swift puts it in 22, “… we’re happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time.”

Except I’m not 22.

But it’s the same awkward feeling looking at our peers either still denying the urgent need to grow up or trying hard to be taken seriously in the society.

Anyway, back to where we left off.

So this friend of mine told me that she had recently broken up with her boyfriend.

Reason being, she isn’t even sure.

They have been in a long distance relationship since she came back home for good last year so perhaps that contributed heaps to the decision..? I don’t know.

And then she continued telling me about how she is torn between finding a new one and giving her heart a rest.

One thing led to another, she then told me how another friend of ours was able to find a new boyfriend within a month of having broken up with her old one. And how an old boyfriend of another friend of ours found a new girlfriend within a few months of breaking up, even though he was previously in a very serious, committed, long term relationship with that other friend of ours. They were together for almost 6 years and the fact that the boyfriend could find a speedy replacement for her within a few months of them breaking up was completely beyond us.

They hurt, don’t they. Break ups.

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After listening to this friend of mine, it got me thinking.

People are putting their hearts out there.

People are actually wearing their hearts on their sleeves.

They are loving so openly and how they change from partner to partner within such a short period of time is almost too fascinating to believe.

Doesn’t your heart need to heal?

I mean, to be in a relationship, you need to give your partner your all.

And if your all are taken away from you, what have you got left of you?

If you were “playing smart” and wasn’t giving your all to your partner in the first place, then was the relationship of any worth?

If not, why bother entering into it in the first place?

I think this is the reason why I am not in a relationship, huh..

I think too much.

And perhaps feel a little too much too.

Too much too early.

But seriously though, sometimes I couldn’t seem to be able to wrap my head around how young people love and/or do relationships nowadays.

Let’s take another case of someone I know.

He had only met this girl approximately one or two weeks ago.

He had only known her for two weeks tops.

But he still decided to ask her out and now they are officially boyfriend and girlfriend.

Like,

How much are you able to know about another person within a time span of weeks?

Do you view relationships so casually?

Am I supposed to view relationships more casually?

Have I been thinking too much all these while?

Sometimes, as a form of consolation, I think to myself.

God must love me so much that God doesn’t want me to hurt at all.

You know how relationships hurt when they don’t work out.

Maybe God wants me to be patient as God has prepared the best one for me.

So that I don’t need to waste my time hurting with all the wrong people.

God is preparing the best for me, the perfect partner for me to spend the rest of my life with.

God is preventing me from suffering through all the wrong sorts of relationships.

But at the same time, I question myself, thinking.

When relationships don’t work..

It does not mean that it wasn’t worth being in at all.

Do you know how much does it take for someone’s heart to suffer that much for another person?

Through relationships, your heart grows.

And through each break ups, in every relationships, the heart continues to learn.

To be better and bigger.

Learning to let go.

And regardless of the amount of pain that it had been through, the heart still continues to eventually heal itself and continue to love.

But how about me?

When do I get the chance to learn?

Which makes me think..

Is it really a good thing for me not to be involved in any relationships?

Even the dummy ones, ones that aren’t meant to last.

Can’t I at least have one or two of those for practice?

So that I know how to appreciate the right one when he comes along?

Movie Review: One Day

If anyone ever asked whom best portray the type of guy I, this poor soul, could not resist, the answer would be this guy. Jim Sturgess. Or at least the character that he played in One Day – Dexter.

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I remember watching One Day for the first time a few years ago with a friend of mine in a rather vintage theatre.

To be frank, I was not really into the movie at that time. There was too much drama and too little comedy for my taste (not to mention the sad ending). But boy, do I remember being completely smitten over Jim Sturgess in that movie.

I did not know why I was drawn to his character but I just liked his portrayal of Dexter in the movie. Not until my sister asked how the movie was and I showed her the trailer as I pointed out the character of Dexter and commented on how I somehow could not describe his charm. To which my sister said, “Yeah, I think I get what you mean. He’s very… sleazy.”

“YES!” I couldn’t help but completely and absolutely agreed with that word. Sleazy.

It might not be a very good word to describe anything or even anyone. But heck, was he sleazy!

In this case, sleazy’s good. Sleazy’s charming. It was the sleaziness that captured my attention or I might just have poor taste in men.

He was confident, playfully charming, and the smirk.. oh that smirk..

Sorry, just ignore everything I’ve said above. It’s the smirk that I fell for. That playful smirk..

Anyways, jokes aside.

One Day is a movie based on a best selling novel of the same title. It revolves around the friendship of two people, Dexter and Emma. Two people who are the complete opposites of each other, in every aspect possible. Two people who are perfect for each other, but are not meant to be together.

Oh, how this movie frustrates me to my very core. As I watched the movie again last night, it’s just really frustrating to watch how two people who made each other so happy and full, just could not find a good enough reason to be together. One Day is the type of movie that is a tad bit too real for you to enjoy watching. It is a bit too relatable to your daily life that it frustrates you on how and why these two people could not end up together. Some would relate the storyline of One Day with personal experiences while others might see Emma and Dexter as a portrayal of their friends whom they are dying to see ending up together through their pits and falls.

You see, Emma has always loved Dexter, even before they officially met and spoke to one another. So when Dexter showed interest in her during the graduation night when they first met and wanted to take her to bed, Emma was ecstatic beyond words. Only to have her fantasy crushed instantly as Dexter abruptly called the whole thing off. You see, even the start of their relationship was not smooth sailing. Dexter had never been sure about Emma but there was just something in her that drew his attention. And so they agreed to being ‘just friends’.

But you see, feelings just don’t go away like that. Even after that night, Emma continued to love Dexter. Be it as a friend or as a potential lover. But because she never saw any sign of interest from his side, she never acted on it. She would, though, whenever he was ready, but sadly he never was.

Dexter, on the other hand, is an entirely different life. Throughout the movie, we can sort of see the way he looked at Emma and how he should be able to know that she ought to mean much more to him than just a ‘friend’. But instead of admitting to those feelings, Dexter chose to be a jerk about the whole situation. He knew perfectly how Emma felt about him as he kept her at arm’s length. I remember there was a scene in the movie when Dexter finally shed some light on the relationship between him and Emma and how he thought that it would actually be a good idea for them to be together. To which Emma lightened up as she saw a ray of hope. However, much to her fury, Dexter continued the sentence with:

“The problem is I fancy pretty much everyone. But me and you, it would be different. I think we’d want different things and I don’t think I’m ready. If you wanted to, you know, have a bit of fun. Holiday fling, no obligations.”

Yes, he’s a jerk.

The thing with Dexter is, he had always known how great of a person Emma was but there were a few reasons why he never chose to reciprocate Emma’s feelings. First of all, he was not ready to settle down (like most guys in their 20s), he thought he’s got his whole life in front of him. A carefree life where he’d chase fame and fun. Settling down was the least priority that he had in his mind, and to him, Emma was the kind of girl that he thought he would not have fun with. But to settle down with. She was different. So he let time took over his life and put Emma at the very last of his priority list together with the idea of settling down.

Second of all, Dexter knew Emma’s feelings for him and he CHOSE not to reciprocate it. Be it supported by his idea that the timing was just not quite right or he was simply not ready to give her what she wanted. But one thing for sure, subconsciously, Dexter knew that Emma would always be in his life. Especially at times when he needed her the most. He knew what kind of a girl Emma was. He knew Emma lacked confidence and sort of latched onto him as a source of fun in her life and based on those alone, he knew that he would always have Emma in his life, that he would never lose her because this girl had no idea that she had potential way more than that. True, as a friend he always made her sure that she was funny and charming in her own way. But he sort of continued to feast on Emma’s lack of self confidence.

I spent my whole night last night thinking about the reasons why they could never end up together. They were obviously perfect for each other. But why the obstacles?

Was it really the bad timing? That they never actually fell for each other right at the same point in time? When Emma had feelings for Dexter, he obviously did not. Only until the end when Dexter’s life was in ruins that he came back running to Emma for comfort.

To Dexter, Emma was his comfort food. His go-to place when the world was against him. But to Emma, Dexter was way much more. He had always been. Dexter knew but he never reciprocated Emma’s feelings. Perhaps it was because as much as he loved Emma as a friend, he knew that Emma was not fun. She’s not exciting. Perhaps regardless of the blatant connections that they had, Dexter never saw Emma as her type. He knew that he could do way better (which he did as he married a beautiful woman to whom he found a lack of connection with). However, much to the irony, he could never find someone with whom he could share a connection as much as he did with Emma. And when he finally realized that Emma might be the one for him, it was a tad bit too late.

Towards the end of the movie, Dexter asked Emma, “Don’t you think it’d be a good idea? You and me together?” To which Emma coldly replied, “Yes. I do. I did. In the late 80s.” Which was 10 years ago. At this point, Emma had moved on. She had worked on her self confidence and found herself a decent guy.

Emma was never his first choice. Not even his second or third choice. As heartbreaking as it sounds, Emma was always his back up plan. And no one wants to be a back up plan.. Sure, he loved Emma. But only as a friend and nothing more. EVEN IF he did love her more than that, he never wanted to admit his feelings for Emma. He chose to oversee the amazing connections that they had and continued to pursue other women. Other women who were more beautiful and fun than Emma. He was being selfish and yeah, a jerk. To which Emma never once voiced out her disapproval of. Even with Dexter playing her under his thumb, Emma continued to latch on to him, which might also be the reason why Dexter always kept her at the back of his pocket. You see the paradox?

It’s pretty sad to see how two people who are perfect for each other, had worked their way up to becoming very good friends, but had never actually made it to becoming more. They had taken each other for granted over the span of 20 years. Like any of us, they spent their lives looking for their better halves, only to find themselves crawling back to each other for comfort and security.

If only they had acted on it earlier, how things would have been so different..

But I guess that’s how life works, hey. You never know what you have until it was gone.

Do you have a Dexter in your life?

Or an Emma perhaps?

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I Talk About Love

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Because love fascinates me.

Come to think about it, the frequency of me talking about love is somewhat horrifying, really.

I talk about it all the time.

I think about it all the time.

It has come to a point where it’s safe to say that ‘love’ is my go-to topic in conversations.

And I would be lying if I didn’t say this but, I have recently noticed that I appear more lively when discussing about love and all its related stories.

As lively as when I talk about horror-related stuff.

Some people might mistake my peculiar passion towards the topic of love as a sign of mere desperation.

Why desperation, you say?

Umm.. I don’t know.. Maybe due to the fact that I’m single?

Isn’t it the most convenient thing to label someone as “that desperado girl who talks about love all the time like she has a clue when we all know that she’s just dying to have a boyfriend” rather than anything else?

Wow so assumptions. Much false. #doge

Why is love so interesting?

Well, let me see..

Love.. is this controversial topic that has bitterness and sweetness attached to it at the same time. It’s always fun to see how an idea of love is perceived by different people. It portrays how diverse the definition of love can be. How arguable yet definitive it is in our lives.

And the thing about love is, people can never stop contributing their own little thoughts to the topic of it, be it based on personal experiences or just off the books. They will always have something to say, even just a tad bit about this whole idea of “love”.

And yet, the discussion would still be never-ending because love evolves and rebrands itself through time.

Gee, how I wish I could be this passionate about other aspects in my life, say, career-wise?

Dance for Yourself

It was on that night, the night when it felt particularly painful to be having you stuck in my mind. The night when I could not even bring myself to think of anything else in this world but you you you and why why why. The night when I grasped my chest hard as I faced my long-time fear of letting you go..

As I sat down on my couch, pathetically wrapped in my blanket while resting my heavy head on the sofa head, that I asked myself a question:

“Now that I have decided to move on from the idea of him in my life, to whom should I dance for from now on ?”

And the answer to that question is, my old self, to dance for no one else other than yourself.

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Yourself..

Feelings amplify your dance movements. The thoughts of someone whom you perceive as dear to you could bring out wonderful arrays of emotions into your dance. It is through these thoughts that you often decide to let your body go and take control in the first place.

It is true that you may have lost a reason to dance for him. And it hurts because dancing for him was your most favourite thing to do, as you thought about him and how dearly you held him close to your heart.

But now that he had drifted further and further away from your life, are you just going to stop dancing altogether?

That thought really crossed my mind on that night, you know, the thought of quitting dancing altogether. And I was confounded by it. I had somewhat surprised myself by having thought that I had run out of reasons to dance, that there is no more good enough reasons to continue dancing, even though dancing is the only thing that makes me feel liberated. Dancing brings me to a different world of my own, the only place where I can truly shine.

But now that he’s gone, to whom should I ever dance for again?

It was not until I heard my own voice whispering the word “Yourself..” in my head that I snapped back to reality.

“Yourself” was indeed the answer that I was looking for. You may have lost the reason to dance for him, but you have certainly NOT lost the reason to dance for yourself. And isn’t that the most important of all?

Dance for yourself, and not for anyone else.

Make your own feelings the focus of the dance.

Dance radiantly because you are happy. Dance in melancholy because you are sad.

Dance cheekily when you feel playful. Dance powerfully when you feel confident. Dance delicately when you feel vulnerable.

Let your own emotions be the colours that amplify your dance until you find a good enough reason to be dancing for someone else again.

But at the mean time, and I suggest even after finding that other reason to dance for someone else, do continue to have YOU as the heart of your dance.

Make YOURSELF the reason for YOU to start dancing and continue moving.

Dance for yourself, and no one else.

That way, you will never run out of reasons to dance.

A Continuation of What Had Been Said Before..

In the light on who should pay on the first date, my arguments stand firm.

Men might argue that NOT paying on the first date shows that men care for women’s alleged thirst of being treated equally. As times have changed, men do recognize and appreciate that women are more than capable enough to support themselves and they do not want women to feel any less equal of a capable human being than they are.

SOME shallow men, on the other hand, when presented with my point of view on how men should pay on the first date, might simply or rather, just foolishly jump into conclusions that I am materialistic because I obviously feel strongly about the factor of money in the dating/relationship equation.

Here’s what I think about that:

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Limerent Over You

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At times like this..

Why do I still find myself encapsulated in the thoughts of you?

You don’t like me. I get that. I understand.. I seriously… do…

But why am I finding myself getting choked up over and over again?

For whatever reason?

Let me see..

The last time we talked was when you thought I was still in Indonesia. We talked on the phone, but when you found out that I in fact had returned to Melbourne, you retracted. Feeling foolishly defeated, I seek for revenge and called you back. We did not even talk. Watching you play video games was good enough for me. As stupid as it may sound, at least by doing so, I could fool myself into thinking that I was finally close to you. But like all things good, it didn’t last for very long. You said that you felt sleepy and so we stopped.

After that, no more..

You acted all goofy and flirty when you knew I was in Indonesia.

But why do you suddenly act all distant and cold when you know that I am back in Melbourne?

Strange, don’t you think?

If you felt like asking me out for coffee when I was in Indonesia, why has the desire to have coffee with an old friend suddenly disappeared into thin air when the said person is finally physically available to say yes to hanging out?

Putting romantic feelings aside, sometimes I think to myself..

Why can’t we be good friends?

You and I live on the same floor, in the same building.

An act of kindness or two would be nice, wouldn’t it?

Just between two old friends and nothing more.

But through the whole time course that I have lived literally 10 steps away from you, the only times that we spent together was when I threw away my pride and asked you out to hang out with me. From your side? I never heard shit.

You never asked me to hang out, in or out of the building.

You mentioned that you don’t know me very well. But do you really intend to know me any better? I don’t think so..

Sometimes I feel utterly frustrated, not due to my feelings unreciprocated, but due to the lack of interest or even anything of any kind from you. Friend to friend, it’s ironic that we are not even friends anymore, pal. I’m still good friends with a few of my old friends who live thousands of miles away from where I currently live. But why is it so hard for YOU and ME to be on good terms when we can literally spare only a few minutes of the day to check on how the other person’s doing. No need to hang out, just be nice.

I’m not asking you to marry me.

A simple “hello, how’s it going” would perfectly suffice.

Don’t stress about how wrong it would come off if you started acting nice. Don’t worry about me misconstruing your act of kindness. Those are my personal feelings and I am pretty sure that I can handle those wild beasts myself. Do worry about how big of an ass you are being right now, though.

That’s more relevant.

Should Guys Pay On The First Date?

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Coffee ?

The answer is: HELL FREAKING YEAH!

Why, you asked?

The right question is: Why not ??

First off:

Why wouldn’t you want to pay on a first date?

I’m not asking you for much. I’m not asking you to buy me diamonds or other forms of fancy jewelleries of any kind. I’m not asking you to pick me up and drive me around in a freaking Ferrari or a Lamborghini (although that would be cool, lol jokes). I’m not asking you to treat me to exotic gourmet at a 5 Michelin Star restaurant and expect you to pay for it. I’m seriously not asking for anything out of the ordinary.

But guys, seriously. Just the small things..

If she’s getting a drink, pay for it. If she’s getting nibbles or snacks of any kinds, pay for it. Just the small things that are plain affordable. Coffee, tea, drinks, snacks, ice cream, even a movie ticket once in a while would be lovely. The thought behind it is lovely. They’re only like $10 on Tuesdays, for Christ’s sakes. Well, in Australia.. and if you want to go for movies on Tuesdays… lol

I understand that paying for lunch or dinner might sound a little daunting to you because you are a self supporting man who works his ass off from Monday to Sunday 9 am to 9 pm, bloods and tears, in exchange for money. I understand that you may not be willing to spend those precious money of yours on “some girl”, but the small things…. Look. If you are not willing to pay for the small things, then what else can you afford?

Seriously dude, I don’t even care how much the meal is. How much cash are you willing to spend on me. It’s the gestures. It’s the gestures that counts.

If you don’t impress her on the first date, when are you actually planning to impress her? On a second or third date? That doesn’t make any sense now does it, man? It’s common knowledge that everything is going downhill after the first date now, isn’t it?

I’m not asking you to sweep me off my feet (because you’re not a broom lols lamez). I’m just asking for the bare minimum.

If you can’t give me the hell of a bare minimum on the first date, why do you think you deserve a maximum out of it?

If you don’t want to pay, at least pretend that you wanted to have a serious go at it. Although pretentious, it’s pretty nice.

Make her feel special.

On a similar note, paying on the first date is often confused linked with feminism. How the male community thinks that women want to be treated equally.

You know what, dudes, fuck feminism.

Women might want to be treated equally. But I am not one of them.

Instead of feminism, I fancy the idea of chivalry.

It’s no rocket science, really. As it only revolves around basic manners and courtesy.

Just aim more at being a gentleman about the whole situation and less at being an ass.

You’ll go far with her, trust me.