With a small cup of latte on the table and a delicate New York cheesecake by its side, we looked ahead, both completely lost in our thoughts, enchanted by the stunning night view of the city of Melbourne.
And it was as I sighed (like I always do) and lifted up the plastic fork, ready to dig in to my cheese cake that she asked me the following question, a question captivating enough to have grabbed my full attention. I proceeded to look at her, pondering as I paused and held my fork mid-air.
“What kind of love are you looking for in your future partner?”
Following the question, she claimed that she had always enjoyed not knowing her partner too much in her previous relationships.
“That’s odd,” I thought to myself, “why would she want to do that? Isn’t the more always the better?”
But as I listened to her explanation, I finally understood why.
She had always enjoyed not knowing too much about her partner in her previous relationships due to her liking on the idea of discovery as the relationship progresses through time. She claimed that the relationship would not be fun to be in anymore if both of the parties already knew everything and anything about each other, with no more elements of surprise. Hence, her despise for the concept of being too comfortable. She has always loved the idea of jumping into a relationship with a stranger instead of starting it off by being friends. Her concept is that when the relationship needs to perhaps regretfully come to an end, she doesn’t have anything to lose as they were not even friends to start with. And that it would not be as awkward to maintain a post-break up relationship with someone she does not know that well about to start with.
Valid arguments, I might say.
But as I listened to her takes on the issue, I could not help but let my mind wander as to how I personally would address the question on hand.
What kind of love am I looking for in my future life partner..?
The kind of love that I am looking for in a potential partner is neither fiery nor bold. It is the kind of love which would be hard to be expressed using simple words. The kind of love that, when asked by other people if I do love him, requires me to pause for a second as I would not be sure if I would love him more than I would potentially hate him. It is the kind of love that constantly brings tears to my eyes as our personalities clash and collide, yet so passionate that it fixates my swollen eyes only on his and how his mere presence brings warmth to my otherwise empty soul that it would render me incapable of letting go. It is the kind of love deep enough that I ridiculously could not categorize him correctly anymore. Will he be a friend, a best friend, a lover, an older brother, a younger brother, an acquaintance, or just a helpless lost boy? The kind of love where we will be so accustomed with each other’s presence that it would be weird not having him around. How it would bring me a sense of liberty to be away from him once in a while, yet how it tickles my gut, in a bad way, not having him by my side like I would always do. It would be as if he was always a part of my energy and that part is suddenly gone. It is the kind of love that would bring us closer even in silence. The kind of love where I could lend him my shoulder and him lending me his ears without any questions or judgements. The kind of love that would make me constantly wonder about how different I have become ever since I got together with him, and how wonderfully so. The kind of love that would allow my tired soul to come to a rest in the strong, assuring arms of his incomplete soul. It is where our hearts and souls could comfortably lean on each other for mutual strength and support. A peaceful state inexplicable, indescribable to others in simple words. It is the kind of love that would make me finally feel complete. The kind of love that would make me stronger than I ever was yet so vulnerable. The kind of love that would leave me shaking my head in helplessness every damn time I would think about him. It is the kind of love where we could no longer list down the reasons that made us fall in love with each other in the first place anymore yet in the back of our minds, we could no longer picture how our lives would be without each other’s presence, how unimportant we may playfully claim it to the rest of the world.
“It is the kind of love that would make me feel weird not having him around me as we would be that helpless without each other,” I replied to my friend.
Upon hearing my answer, an involuntary, almost inaudible aww escaped her lips. Not long, a slight expression of pity coloured her visage as she retorted, “But that would mean that you guys would not be able to remain friends after a break up. It’s just impossible. As you guys would already be that comfortable and attached with each other, taking one from another one’s life would probably almost equate to taking out a chunk of different types of relationships out of the other one’s life altogether. That you would lose a lover, a best friend, a friend, and a brother due to that break up. How would you be able to survive?’
As I listened and nodded to her sad words, I could not help but fearfully accept the painful ending to my otherwise perfect form of love. Should I get so comfortable with someone, if the relationship ends, how exactly would I be able to survive?