A Vicious Cycle

He likes you.

But you like someone else.

He missed you and decided to text you – to which you had no intention to reply anytime soon.

Simply because, at that point in time, you were missing someone else. After much deliberation, you decided to shoot that someone a text – and waited ages for a reply, just plainly because, perhaps that person had no intention to reply you anytime soon as well.

What a vicious cycle.

A cycle of chasing and being chased.

A cycle of hurting and being hurt.

Who is the victim here?

No one.

Because we are only acting according to what we want.

We do not text back because we simply don’t care.

We don’t care about what he/she ate for dinner, where he/she is planning to take his/her parents for an outing, how he/she feels about a current issue. #curcol

And sadly enough, as much as you don’t care about someone, someone else is giving the exact zero amount of fucks about you as well. Dang, that hurts.

There’s no one to blame, for the feelings are not mutual right at the same point in time.

And there’s no one to blame because the other person is not being cruel. The other person is just acting normally.

You are hurt because you overthink.

You think about how unfair it is that you do not deserve a reply, even after all the tender loving care that you’ve given that person all these while.

You think about how that person is trying to play games with you.

You think about how cruel that person can be.

Feeding on those thoughts, you start hating on that person. Not for being cruel to you (although that’s the theory that you are convincing yourself with), but you are hating on that person simply for being him/herself.

How fun.

 

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The One Who Won’t Go Away

http://thoughtcatalog.com/elle-seejay/2014/07/we-almost-dated-the-one-who-wont-go-away/

The problem with The One Who Won’t Go Away is he’s never been enough of an asshole for you to completely cut him out of your life. In fact, he is a nice guy, …

… the reality of the situation is this “potential” relationship was going to happen, it would’ve happened already.

You’ve given him how many weeks? — Months? Years? — to lock you down. If he really wanted you, he would’ve taken the opportunity.

… “The worst part of the we-almost-dated relationships is not the fact that the person is out of your life. It’s the fact that you’re missing what you IMAGINED to be an opportunity at love.” Step back for a second and reflect: was the opportunity actually there? Or was it just you being human and wanting what you can’t have?

It feels like an unclosed chapter – …

I stumbled upon this article a few months back on Thought Catalog and have religiously bookmarked it on my phone for future reference.

Somehow, I feel that I should share this article with you guys, just because..

I’ve read hundreds of relationship articles in the past as I tried to understand the state of my relationship with him.

“The One Who Won’t Go Away” is a term that never crossed my mind even once, until I stumbled upon this article and was surprised to see how immensely relatable it is.

So I thought I’d share.

 

That song

Do you have a song that, when played, suddenly reminds you of a certain point of time in the past?

I recently learnt that I currently have one.

Hence, the link I inserted above.

I didn’t think that this song was of anything special when I was listening to it everyday a few weeks back.

But now that I am sort of enveloped with a different life here, listening to this song made me all fuzzy and weird on the inside.

It reminded me of those times when I listened to this song as I unlocked my apartment room door, all ready to go out.

In order to occupy my mind so as not to let my eyes wander too much towards a very specific direction on level 7, letting my thoughts run wild to the idea of you, I normally chose to turn up my music as loud and distracting as possible just before I stepped out of my room.

And the first song that I normally listened to was this song.

Perhaps due to my longing for the life that I used to have back in Melbourne, as I listened to this song in the car this afternoon, I could not help but let the fuzziness get to me.

It was as if I was transported back to those times, when I was physically closer to you than I am now.

How are you?

What have you been doing?

Have you ever thought of me while I’m gone?

How are things back home?

How are your feelings going?

I hope you are doing well.

No, I know you are doing well.

Countless questions I foolishly asked myself in my head, questions that I wanted to ask you.

All from a simple song.

A simple song that brought me back to those times, to that place, and foolishly made me think of you.

What a peculiar feeling yet divine.

I learnt that…

I feel that it was a very good thing that I asked you out for coffee.

Even though it was not something that I would normally do, I suddenly did, embarrassing myself terribly along the way.

By asking you out this time, I learnt new things about you.

I learnt that our little outing to Vic Mart last time was only up to warming up, that I didn’t get to see the real you (even though I kinda convinced myself that I did).

I learnt that it took you sitting across me for around 30-40 minutes for you to finally open up to me and for us to be engaged in a real conversation.

I learnt that you are nonchalant, oddly enough to be too nonchalant.

I learnt that I can actually talk to you.

I learnt that I can actually look at you straight in the eyes without losing my ability to hear or say things properly.

I learnt that you did not like and have never liked me exclusively.

I learnt that I am not that special, afterall (who am i kidding?)

I learnt that perhaps, you have never actually really liked me before.

I learnt that there are other girls in your life.

I learnt that things are not about to take the way I want it to be.

I learnt that it is possibly time for me to really let go.

The guy has lost his feelings for you.

I seriously think that you should let go.

 

Should I just give up?

It has been almost a month since your birthday, since we went out together for the very first time after a very long time, since I gave you your birthday card..

There has not been much contact ever since.

Misunderstandings, yes.

Miscommunication, yes.

I thought our little early morning outing was special, I thought you liked the card.

But why have you not contacted me ever since?

You have neither asked me how I have been nor have you asked me out.

Why do you seem so distant?

Why is it the more that I charge forward towards you, you seem to back off even more?

Do you not like me anymore?

I guess so, huh?

I thought I had convinced myself that you are just not into me anymore.

But why, oh why, I just can’t seem to forget about you?

 

 

How many persons can one love in a lifetime?

You’re the only one that I love.

You’re the only one for me.

You’re my one and only love.

 

Isn’t that the vow? That couples say to one another when they are in love?

To love that one person for the rest of their lives?

But what if circumstances dictate otherwise?

What if, things just didn’t work out as expected to be?

And worse, what if, life took that special someone away from you?

Will you be able to fall in love, again?

I have personally never been truly “in love” so I don’t exactly know how to love.

But doesn’t loving someone mean you opening up your heart and giving him your all?

If you have done that to a person before whom you truly believed was your one and only, how could you do the exact same thing to someone else?

In that case, don’t the vows run pointless?

There is no one and only.

It’s just another empty promise, isn’t it? Like any other promises, it’s bound to be broken?

So how could someone be so sure that he/she is the one and only, if the heart is capable of loving others when he/she is gone?

A human heart is a very mysterious place. What makes it tick, who it leads towards and when, no one knows.

So how many times exactly does a human heart be able to love?

To how many persons will it be able to open its doors to and share its deepest secrets with?

How many persons could you love, really?

I wonder about how it feels, to “love” someone all over again.

It makes me question about the meaning of “love” and eternity even further.

At the same time, it allows me to marvel at the capacity of a human heart, how it is able to accept someone into it, when circumstances dictate to do so.

 

Still on the market

Friend: Hey, do you have a boyfriend?

Me: No. Why?

Friend: Why not?

Me: Because… I haven’t found the right person yet?

Friend: Oh my Gosh! You should totally meet this friend of mine! You guys would totally look good together!

And here it goes again….

Do you like being introduced to people? Well, I don’t. Being introduced as friends: maybe sometimes yes. But being introduced as potential love partners? How about, a big fat no? Not by friends. Not even by parents.

Idk man, I just don’t like the idea behind it. I actually find it quite insulting, really..  It’s not like I’m THAT desperate for a boyfriend (well, actually maybe I am lolz) but the idea of being introduced to a guy, i simply don’t get. Perhaps because I’m shy, or perhaps because I’m merely defensive. It somehow appears to me as if me and that guy are so desperate for love partners and as much as we try to look for them ourselves on the market, nobody wants us. And hence, as a last resort, we have people introducing us with the same species. Despo, nobody-wants-you, you’re-on-sale, lonely people, desperately looking for love to actually have someone else doing the looking for us by introducing us to friends because it appears that we don’t have the capabilities to do so ourselves.

I don’t know why, but I have always wanted for my love life to blossom naturally. With someone that I met by chance. I want it to flow naturally, and not planned. I want him to be looking for anything else and yet he found me and likewise.

I don’t want to be out looking for love.
I want love to be out looking for me..

Now that I like you, how carefully will I be able to take care of my heart?

“Just make sure that you take good care of your heart. Don’t like him too much,” advised a friend of mine.

But how carefully will I be able to take care of my heart, really?

My fragile, fragile heart..

How you are going to suffer slowly yet surely from the day that I realized I seriously have feelings for him.

I’m sorry for doing this to you. But you know where you are leaning towards, heart, and how he does not feel the same anymore.

So why do we bother hurting?

Because the heart does not listen. It does not seem to mind of being hurt by the one that it fancies.

He is not treating you right. If he is genuinely interested in you, he will consistently demonstrate his interest and leave you in no doubt about it. – argues the brain.

But why does the heart not listen and still long to see that face and hear that voice all over again?

 

 

Finding the perfect fit

With a small cup of latte on the table and a delicate New York cheesecake by its side, we looked ahead, both completely lost in our thoughts, enchanted by the stunning night view of the city of Melbourne.

And it was as I sighed (like I always do) and lifted up the plastic fork, ready to dig in to my cheese cake that she asked me the following question, a question captivating enough to have grabbed my full attention. I proceeded to look at her, pondering as I paused and held my fork mid-air.

“What kind of love are you looking for in your future partner?”

Following the question, she claimed that she had always enjoyed not knowing her partner too much in her previous relationships.

“That’s odd,” I thought to myself, “why would she want to do that? Isn’t the more always the better?”

But as I listened to her explanation, I finally understood why.

She had always enjoyed not knowing too much about her partner in her previous relationships due to her liking on the idea of discovery as the relationship progresses through time. She claimed that the relationship would not be fun to be in anymore if both of the parties already knew everything and anything about each other, with no more elements of surprise. Hence, her despise for the concept of being too comfortable. She has always loved the idea of jumping into a relationship with a stranger instead of starting it off by being friends. Her concept is that when the relationship needs to perhaps regretfully come to an end, she doesn’t have anything to lose as they were not even friends to start with. And that it would not be as awkward to maintain a post-break up relationship with someone she does not know that well about to start with.

Valid arguments, I might say.

But as I listened to her takes on the issue, I could not help but let my mind wander as to how I personally would address the question on hand.

What kind of love am I looking for in my future life partner..?

The kind of love that I am looking for in a potential partner is neither fiery nor bold. It is the kind of love which would be hard to be expressed using simple words. The kind of love that, when asked by other people if I do love him, requires me to pause for a second as I would not be sure if I would love him more than I would potentially hate him. It is the kind of love that constantly brings tears to my eyes as our personalities clash and collide, yet so passionate that it fixates my swollen eyes only on his and how his mere presence brings warmth to my otherwise empty soul that it would render me incapable of letting go. It is the kind of love deep enough that I ridiculously could not categorize him correctly anymore. Will he be a friend, a best friend, a lover, an older brother, a younger brother, an acquaintance, or just a helpless lost boy? The kind of love where we will be so accustomed with each other’s presence that it would be weird not having him around. How it would bring me a sense of liberty to be away from him once in a while, yet how it tickles my gut, in a bad way, not having him by my side like I would always do. It would be as if he was always a part of my energy and that part is suddenly gone. It is the kind of love that would bring us closer even in silence. The kind of love where I could lend him my shoulder and him lending me his ears without any questions or judgements. The kind of love that would make me constantly wonder about how different I have become ever since I got together with him, and how wonderfully so. The kind of love that would allow my tired soul to come to a rest in the strong, assuring arms of his incomplete soul. It is where our hearts and souls could comfortably lean on each other for mutual strength and support. A peaceful state inexplicable, indescribable to others in simple words. It is the kind of love that would make me finally feel complete. The kind of love that would make me stronger than I ever was yet so vulnerable. The kind of love that would leave me shaking my head in helplessness every damn time I would think about him. It is the kind of love where we could no longer list down the reasons that made us fall in love with each other in the first place anymore yet in the back of our minds, we could no longer picture how our lives would be without each other’s presence, how unimportant we may playfully claim it to the rest of the world.

“It is the kind of love that would make me feel weird not having him around me as we would be that helpless without each other,” I replied to my friend.

Upon hearing my answer, an involuntary, almost inaudible aww escaped her lips. Not long, a slight expression of pity coloured her visage as she retorted, “But that would mean that you guys would not be able to remain friends after a break up. It’s just impossible. As you guys would already be that comfortable and attached with each other, taking one from another one’s life would probably almost equate to taking out a chunk of different types of relationships out of the other one’s life altogether. That you would lose a lover, a best friend, a friend, and a brother due to that break up. How would you be able to survive?’

As I listened and nodded to her sad words, I could not help but fearfully accept the painful ending to my otherwise perfect form of love. Should I get so comfortable with someone, if the relationship ends, how exactly would I be able to survive?

The art of reciprocity

Hey, do you know that I just realized something funny when I saw you earlier today?

You want to know what it was all about?

It is that, I think …

At our current state …

I might slightly like you a little bit more than you like me.

And that is bad..

You know how I realized this tiny revelation of mine?

I’m not trying to sound vague, but after some thorough flashback analysis, I figured that my body language pretty much spoke it all.

As embarrassing as it may sound, my body reacted involuntarily in favour of your presence.

Did you even realize..?

That my eyes involuntarily wandered off from the top to the bottom of your physique as I was checking out what kind of outfit you were wearing, how more muscular your body had become.

That my mind involuntarily went into this “zen” mode (pun intended) as I was trying to hold on to conversations and look at your face a bit longer that I should, even when you had already moved on to your next topic.

That my gaze involuntarily became fixated on the floor and I kept looking down as I was trying to hide the tremble in my smile, the fear in my eyes and the embarrassment on my face as my eyes met yours.

What is with all these feels that had rendered me incapable of becoming myself in front of you?

Why is it so hard for me to act like we are only regular friends?

I am no master in hiding feelings.

So to be completely honest, I do have this constant fear of my feelings being exposed when I talk to you face to face.

I can surely hide them as we speak online, but face to face..?

It’s a tricky one, isn’t it?

Hence, that might be the reason why I can’t act normally in front of you..

But why do I get the feeling that you are not being yourself in front of me as well?

That, you are always not sure on how to act and speak whenever we meet face to face?

We are a weird bunch, aren’t we?

That makes me question:

Are we able to pull through this phase of unfathomable awkwardness?

Or are we going to stay like this for the rest of eternity?

I sincerely hope that I can get to know you more on a genuine personal level real soon.

And I look forward to the day that we become close enough not to feel awkward anymore.

Be bolder now, will you?

And just talk to me…

Cute Couple