– etc

I was casually chatting with a friend of mine earlier today.

We were talking about travels and such when the topic naturally went astray to talking about boys (of course).

She said to me, “Let’s go travel and look at cute boys together! Let’s find boyfriends together!”

I laughed at her idea, but then I stopped as I realized and immediately retorted,

“Eh! Why do YOU want to look at cute boys and find a boyfriend!!”

“How about xxx??”

“You and xxx..”

“Don’t tell me..”

I was expecting for the worst.

And the worst was what I got.

“Nooo, we broke up alreadyyy”, she replied.

“WHAT?!”

“WHEN?? WHY???” were the only responses that I could come up with.

At this age of mine, I am not sure of what’s more shocking.

A friend breaking up with her partner or a friend getting married with her partner.

I often feel that I’m in an age purgatory.

In an awkward transition of being young and carefree with absolutely no care in the world to being all grown up making big ass decisions and commitments.

It’s like, I feel that we are not “there” yet at our level of maturity but we have sort of “passed” those days of fun and freedom.

Just like how Taylor Swift puts it in 22, “… we’re happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time.”

Except I’m not 22.

But it’s the same awkward feeling looking at our peers either still denying the urgent need to grow up or trying hard to be taken seriously in the society.

Anyway, back to where we left off.

So this friend of mine told me that she had recently broken up with her boyfriend.

Reason being, she isn’t even sure.

They have been in a long distance relationship since she came back home for good last year so perhaps that contributed heaps to the decision..? I don’t know.

And then she continued telling me about how she is torn between finding a new one and giving her heart a rest.

One thing led to another, she then told me how another friend of ours was able to find a new boyfriend within a month of having broken up with her old one. And how an old boyfriend of another friend of ours found a new girlfriend within a few months of breaking up, even though he was previously in a very serious, committed, long term relationship with that other friend of ours. They were together for almost 6 years and the fact that the boyfriend could find a speedy replacement for her within a few months of them breaking up was completely beyond us.

They hurt, don’t they. Break ups.

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After listening to this friend of mine, it got me thinking.

People are putting their hearts out there.

People are actually wearing their hearts on their sleeves.

They are loving so openly and how they change from partner to partner within such a short period of time is almost too fascinating to believe.

Doesn’t your heart need to heal?

I mean, to be in a relationship, you need to give your partner your all.

And if your all are taken away from you, what have you got left of you?

If you were “playing smart” and wasn’t giving your all to your partner in the first place, then was the relationship of any worth?

If not, why bother entering into it in the first place?

I think this is the reason why I am not in a relationship, huh..

I think too much.

And perhaps feel a little too much too.

Too much too early.

But seriously though, sometimes I couldn’t seem to be able to wrap my head around how young people love and/or do relationships nowadays.

Let’s take another case of someone I know.

He had only met this girl approximately one or two weeks ago.

He had only known her for two weeks tops.

But he still decided to ask her out and now they are officially boyfriend and girlfriend.

Like,

How much are you able to know about another person within a time span of weeks?

Do you view relationships so casually?

Am I supposed to view relationships more casually?

Have I been thinking too much all these while?

Sometimes, as a form of consolation, I think to myself.

God must love me so much that God doesn’t want me to hurt at all.

You know how relationships hurt when they don’t work out.

Maybe God wants me to be patient as God has prepared the best one for me.

So that I don’t need to waste my time hurting with all the wrong people.

God is preparing the best for me, the perfect partner for me to spend the rest of my life with.

God is preventing me from suffering through all the wrong sorts of relationships.

But at the same time, I question myself, thinking.

When relationships don’t work..

It does not mean that it wasn’t worth being in at all.

Do you know how much does it take for someone’s heart to suffer that much for another person?

Through relationships, your heart grows.

And through each break ups, in every relationships, the heart continues to learn.

To be better and bigger.

Learning to let go.

And regardless of the amount of pain that it had been through, the heart still continues to eventually heal itself and continue to love.

But how about me?

When do I get the chance to learn?

Which makes me think..

Is it really a good thing for me not to be involved in any relationships?

Even the dummy ones, ones that aren’t meant to last.

Can’t I at least have one or two of those for practice?

So that I know how to appreciate the right one when he comes along?

I Talk About Love

I talk about love.. large

Because love fascinates me.

Come to think about it, the frequency of me talking about love is somewhat horrifying, really.

I talk about it all the time.

I think about it all the time.

It has come to a point where it’s safe to say that ‘love’ is my go-to topic in conversations.

And I would be lying if I didn’t say this but, I have recently noticed that I appear more lively when discussing about love and all its related stories.

As lively as when I talk about horror-related stuff.

Some people might mistake my peculiar passion towards the topic of love as a sign of mere desperation.

Why desperation, you say?

Umm.. I don’t know.. Maybe due to the fact that I’m single?

Isn’t it the most convenient thing to label someone as “that desperado girl who talks about love all the time like she has a clue when we all know that she’s just dying to have a boyfriend” rather than anything else?

Wow so assumptions. Much false. #doge

Why is love so interesting?

Well, let me see..

Love.. is this controversial topic that has bitterness and sweetness attached to it at the same time. It’s always fun to see how an idea of love is perceived by different people. It portrays how diverse the definition of love can be. How arguable yet definitive it is in our lives.

And the thing about love is, people can never stop contributing their own little thoughts to the topic of it, be it based on personal experiences or just off the books. They will always have something to say, even just a tad bit about this whole idea of “love”.

And yet, the discussion would still be never-ending because love evolves and rebrands itself through time.

Gee, how I wish I could be this passionate about other aspects in my life, say, career-wise?

Dance for Yourself

It was on that night, the night when it felt particularly painful to be having you stuck in my mind. The night when I could not even bring myself to think of anything else in this world but you you you and why why why. The night when I grasped my chest hard as I faced my long-time fear of letting you go..

As I sat down on my couch, pathetically wrapped in my blanket while resting my heavy head on the sofa head, that I asked myself a question:

“Now that I have decided to move on from the idea of him in my life, to whom should I dance for from now on ?”

And the answer to that question is, my old self, to dance for no one else other than yourself.

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Yourself..

Feelings amplify your dance movements. The thoughts of someone whom you perceive as dear to you could bring out wonderful arrays of emotions into your dance. It is through these thoughts that you often decide to let your body go and take control in the first place.

It is true that you may have lost a reason to dance for him. And it hurts because dancing for him was your most favourite thing to do, as you thought about him and how dearly you held him close to your heart.

But now that he had drifted further and further away from your life, are you just going to stop dancing altogether?

That thought really crossed my mind on that night, you know, the thought of quitting dancing altogether. And I was confounded by it. I had somewhat surprised myself by having thought that I had run out of reasons to dance, that there is no more good enough reasons to continue dancing, even though dancing is the only thing that makes me feel liberated. Dancing brings me to a different world of my own, the only place where I can truly shine.

But now that he’s gone, to whom should I ever dance for again?

It was not until I heard my own voice whispering the word “Yourself..” in my head that I snapped back to reality.

“Yourself” was indeed the answer that I was looking for. You may have lost the reason to dance for him, but you have certainly NOT lost the reason to dance for yourself. And isn’t that the most important of all?

Dance for yourself, and not for anyone else.

Make your own feelings the focus of the dance.

Dance radiantly because you are happy. Dance in melancholy because you are sad.

Dance cheekily when you feel playful. Dance powerfully when you feel confident. Dance delicately when you feel vulnerable.

Let your own emotions be the colours that amplify your dance until you find a good enough reason to be dancing for someone else again.

But at the mean time, and I suggest even after finding that other reason to dance for someone else, do continue to have YOU as the heart of your dance.

Make YOURSELF the reason for YOU to start dancing and continue moving.

Dance for yourself, and no one else.

That way, you will never run out of reasons to dance.

Limerent Over You

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At times like this..

Why do I still find myself encapsulated in the thoughts of you?

You don’t like me. I get that. I understand.. I seriously… do…

But why am I finding myself getting choked up over and over again?

For whatever reason?

Let me see..

The last time we talked was when you thought I was still in Indonesia. We talked on the phone, but when you found out that I in fact had returned to Melbourne, you retracted. Feeling foolishly defeated, I seek for revenge and called you back. We did not even talk. Watching you play video games was good enough for me. As stupid as it may sound, at least by doing so, I could fool myself into thinking that I was finally close to you. But like all things good, it didn’t last for very long. You said that you felt sleepy and so we stopped.

After that, no more..

You acted all goofy and flirty when you knew I was in Indonesia.

But why do you suddenly act all distant and cold when you know that I am back in Melbourne?

Strange, don’t you think?

If you felt like asking me out for coffee when I was in Indonesia, why has the desire to have coffee with an old friend suddenly disappeared into thin air when the said person is finally physically available to say yes to hanging out?

Putting romantic feelings aside, sometimes I think to myself..

Why can’t we be good friends?

You and I live on the same floor, in the same building.

An act of kindness or two would be nice, wouldn’t it?

Just between two old friends and nothing more.

But through the whole time course that I have lived literally 10 steps away from you, the only times that we spent together was when I threw away my pride and asked you out to hang out with me. From your side? I never heard shit.

You never asked me to hang out, in or out of the building.

You mentioned that you don’t know me very well. But do you really intend to know me any better? I don’t think so..

Sometimes I feel utterly frustrated, not due to my feelings unreciprocated, but due to the lack of interest or even anything of any kind from you. Friend to friend, it’s ironic that we are not even friends anymore, pal. I’m still good friends with a few of my old friends who live thousands of miles away from where I currently live. But why is it so hard for YOU and ME to be on good terms when we can literally spare only a few minutes of the day to check on how the other person’s doing. No need to hang out, just be nice.

I’m not asking you to marry me.

A simple “hello, how’s it going” would perfectly suffice.

Don’t stress about how wrong it would come off if you started acting nice. Don’t worry about me misconstruing your act of kindness. Those are my personal feelings and I am pretty sure that I can handle those wild beasts myself. Do worry about how big of an ass you are being right now, though.

That’s more relevant.

That song

Do you have a song that, when played, suddenly reminds you of a certain point of time in the past?

I recently learnt that I currently have one.

Hence, the link I inserted above.

I didn’t think that this song was of anything special when I was listening to it everyday a few weeks back.

But now that I am sort of enveloped with a different life here, listening to this song made me all fuzzy and weird on the inside.

It reminded me of those times when I listened to this song as I unlocked my apartment room door, all ready to go out.

In order to occupy my mind so as not to let my eyes wander too much towards a very specific direction on level 7, letting my thoughts run wild to the idea of you, I normally chose to turn up my music as loud and distracting as possible just before I stepped out of my room.

And the first song that I normally listened to was this song.

Perhaps due to my longing for the life that I used to have back in Melbourne, as I listened to this song in the car this afternoon, I could not help but let the fuzziness get to me.

It was as if I was transported back to those times, when I was physically closer to you than I am now.

How are you?

What have you been doing?

Have you ever thought of me while I’m gone?

How are things back home?

How are your feelings going?

I hope you are doing well.

No, I know you are doing well.

Countless questions I foolishly asked myself in my head, questions that I wanted to ask you.

All from a simple song.

A simple song that brought me back to those times, to that place, and foolishly made me think of you.

What a peculiar feeling yet divine.

I learnt that…

I feel that it was a very good thing that I asked you out for coffee.

Even though it was not something that I would normally do, I suddenly did, embarrassing myself terribly along the way.

By asking you out this time, I learnt new things about you.

I learnt that our little outing to Vic Mart last time was only up to warming up, that I didn’t get to see the real you (even though I kinda convinced myself that I did).

I learnt that it took you sitting across me for around 30-40 minutes for you to finally open up to me and for us to be engaged in a real conversation.

I learnt that you are nonchalant, oddly enough to be too nonchalant.

I learnt that I can actually talk to you.

I learnt that I can actually look at you straight in the eyes without losing my ability to hear or say things properly.

I learnt that you did not like and have never liked me exclusively.

I learnt that I am not that special, afterall (who am i kidding?)

I learnt that perhaps, you have never actually really liked me before.

I learnt that there are other girls in your life.

I learnt that things are not about to take the way I want it to be.

I learnt that it is possibly time for me to really let go.

The guy has lost his feelings for you.

I seriously think that you should let go.

 

Should I just give up?

It has been almost a month since your birthday, since we went out together for the very first time after a very long time, since I gave you your birthday card..

There has not been much contact ever since.

Misunderstandings, yes.

Miscommunication, yes.

I thought our little early morning outing was special, I thought you liked the card.

But why have you not contacted me ever since?

You have neither asked me how I have been nor have you asked me out.

Why do you seem so distant?

Why is it the more that I charge forward towards you, you seem to back off even more?

Do you not like me anymore?

I guess so, huh?

I thought I had convinced myself that you are just not into me anymore.

But why, oh why, I just can’t seem to forget about you?