God has given you and me exactly 365 days to make things work, but as far as I know, you have not spared even 1 short second to think about me.
And I have painfully wasted 333 days so far thinking about you not thinking about me..
It was on that night, the night when it felt particularly painful to be having you stuck in my mind. The night when I could not even bring myself to think of anything else in this world but you you you and why why why. The night when I grasped my chest hard as I faced my long-time fear of letting you go..
As I sat down on my couch, pathetically wrapped in my blanket while resting my heavy head on the sofa head, that I asked myself a question:
“Now that I have decided to move on from the idea of him in my life, to whom should I dance for from now on ?”
And the answer to that question is, my old self, to dance for no one else other than yourself.
Feelings amplify your dance movements. The thoughts of someone whom you perceive as dear to you could bring out wonderful arrays of emotions into your dance. It is through these thoughts that you often decide to let your body go and take control in the first place.
It is true that you may have lost a reason to dance for him. And it hurts because dancing for him was your most favourite thing to do, as you thought about him and how dearly you held him close to your heart.
But now that he had drifted further and further away from your life, are you just going to stop dancing altogether?
That thought really crossed my mind on that night, you know, the thought of quitting dancing altogether. And I was confounded by it. I had somewhat surprised myself by having thought that I had run out of reasons to dance, that there is no more good enough reasons to continue dancing, even though dancing is the only thing that makes me feel liberated. Dancing brings me to a different world of my own, the only place where I can truly shine.
But now that he’s gone, to whom should I ever dance for again?
It was not until I heard my own voice whispering the word “Yourself..” in my head that I snapped back to reality.
“Yourself” was indeed the answer that I was looking for. You may have lost the reason to dance for him, but you have certainly NOT lost the reason to dance for yourself. And isn’t that the most important of all?
Dance for yourself, and not for anyone else.
Make your own feelings the focus of the dance.
Dance radiantly because you are happy. Dance in melancholy because you are sad.
Dance cheekily when you feel playful. Dance powerfully when you feel confident. Dance delicately when you feel vulnerable.
Let your own emotions be the colours that amplify your dance until you find a good enough reason to be dancing for someone else again.
But at the mean time, and I suggest even after finding that other reason to dance for someone else, do continue to have YOU as the heart of your dance.
Make YOURSELF the reason for YOU to start dancing and continue moving.
Dance for yourself, and no one else.
That way, you will never run out of reasons to dance.
At times like this..
Why do I still find myself encapsulated in the thoughts of you?
You don’t like me. I get that. I understand.. I seriously… do…
But why am I finding myself getting choked up over and over again?
For whatever reason?
Let me see..
The last time we talked was when you thought I was still in Indonesia. We talked on the phone, but when you found out that I in fact had returned to Melbourne, you retracted. Feeling foolishly defeated, I seek for revenge and called you back. We did not even talk. Watching you play video games was good enough for me. As stupid as it may sound, at least by doing so, I could fool myself into thinking that I was finally close to you. But like all things good, it didn’t last for very long. You said that you felt sleepy and so we stopped.
After that, no more..
You acted all goofy and flirty when you knew I was in Indonesia.
But why do you suddenly act all distant and cold when you know that I am back in Melbourne?
Strange, don’t you think?
If you felt like asking me out for coffee when I was in Indonesia, why has the desire to have coffee with an old friend suddenly disappeared into thin air when the said person is finally physically available to say yes to hanging out?
Putting romantic feelings aside, sometimes I think to myself..
Why can’t we be good friends?
You and I live on the same floor, in the same building.
An act of kindness or two would be nice, wouldn’t it?
Just between two old friends and nothing more.
But through the whole time course that I have lived literally 10 steps away from you, the only times that we spent together was when I threw away my pride and asked you out to hang out with me. From your side? I never heard shit.
You never asked me to hang out, in or out of the building.
You mentioned that you don’t know me very well. But do you really intend to know me any better? I don’t think so..
Sometimes I feel utterly frustrated, not due to my feelings unreciprocated, but due to the lack of interest or even anything of any kind from you. Friend to friend, it’s ironic that we are not even friends anymore, pal. I’m still good friends with a few of my old friends who live thousands of miles away from where I currently live. But why is it so hard for YOU and ME to be on good terms when we can literally spare only a few minutes of the day to check on how the other person’s doing. No need to hang out, just be nice.
I’m not asking you to marry me.
A simple “hello, how’s it going” would perfectly suffice.
Don’t stress about how wrong it would come off if you started acting nice. Don’t worry about me misconstruing your act of kindness. Those are my personal feelings and I am pretty sure that I can handle those wild beasts myself. Do worry about how big of an ass you are being right now, though.
That’s more relevant.
The problem with The One Who Won’t Go Away is he’s never been enough of an asshole for you to completely cut him out of your life. In fact, he is a nice guy, …
… the reality of the situation is this “potential” relationship was going to happen, it would’ve happened already.
You’ve given him how many weeks? — Months? Years? — to lock you down. If he really wanted you, he would’ve taken the opportunity.
… “The worst part of the we-almost-dated relationships is not the fact that the person is out of your life. It’s the fact that you’re missing what you IMAGINED to be an opportunity at love.” Step back for a second and reflect: was the opportunity actually there? Or was it just you being human and wanting what you can’t have?
It feels like an unclosed chapter – …
I stumbled upon this article a few months back on Thought Catalog and have religiously bookmarked it on my phone for future reference.
Somehow, I feel that I should share this article with you guys, just because..
I’ve read hundreds of relationship articles in the past as I tried to understand the state of my relationship with him.
“The One Who Won’t Go Away” is a term that never crossed my mind even once, until I stumbled upon this article and was surprised to see how immensely relatable it is.
So I thought I’d share.
Do you have a song that, when played, suddenly reminds you of a certain point of time in the past?
I recently learnt that I currently have one.
Hence, the link I inserted above.
I didn’t think that this song was of anything special when I was listening to it everyday a few weeks back.
But now that I am sort of enveloped with a different life here, listening to this song made me all fuzzy and weird on the inside.
It reminded me of those times when I listened to this song as I unlocked my apartment room door, all ready to go out.
In order to occupy my mind so as not to let my eyes wander too much towards a very specific direction on level 7, letting my thoughts run wild to the idea of you, I normally chose to turn up my music as loud and distracting as possible just before I stepped out of my room.
And the first song that I normally listened to was this song.
Perhaps due to my longing for the life that I used to have back in Melbourne, as I listened to this song in the car this afternoon, I could not help but let the fuzziness get to me.
It was as if I was transported back to those times, when I was physically closer to you than I am now.
How are you?
What have you been doing?
Have you ever thought of me while I’m gone?
How are things back home?
How are your feelings going?
I hope you are doing well.
No, I know you are doing well.
Countless questions I foolishly asked myself in my head, questions that I wanted to ask you.
All from a simple song.
A simple song that brought me back to those times, to that place, and foolishly made me think of you.
What a peculiar feeling yet divine.
I feel that it was a very good thing that I asked you out for coffee.
Even though it was not something that I would normally do, I suddenly did, embarrassing myself terribly along the way.
By asking you out this time, I learnt new things about you.
I learnt that our little outing to Vic Mart last time was only up to warming up, that I didn’t get to see the real you (even though I kinda convinced myself that I did).
I learnt that it took you sitting across me for around 30-40 minutes for you to finally open up to me and for us to be engaged in a real conversation.
I learnt that you are nonchalant, oddly enough to be too nonchalant.
I learnt that I can actually talk to you.
I learnt that I can actually look at you straight in the eyes without losing my ability to hear or say things properly.
I learnt that you did not like and have never liked me exclusively.
I learnt that I am not that special, afterall (who am i kidding?)
I learnt that perhaps, you have never actually really liked me before.
I learnt that there are other girls in your life.
I learnt that things are not about to take the way I want it to be.
I learnt that it is possibly time for me to really let go.
The guy has lost his feelings for you.
I seriously think that you should let go.
It has been almost a month since your birthday, since we went out together for the very first time after a very long time, since I gave you your birthday card..
There has not been much contact ever since.
I thought our little early morning outing was special, I thought you liked the card.
But why have you not contacted me ever since?
You have neither asked me how I have been nor have you asked me out.
Why do you seem so distant?
Why is it the more that I charge forward towards you, you seem to back off even more?
Do you not like me anymore?
I guess so, huh?
I thought I had convinced myself that you are just not into me anymore.
But why, oh why, I just can’t seem to forget about you?
“Just make sure that you take good care of your heart. Don’t like him too much,” advised a friend of mine.
But how carefully will I be able to take care of my heart, really?
My fragile, fragile heart..
How you are going to suffer slowly yet surely from the day that I realized I seriously have feelings for him.
I’m sorry for doing this to you. But you know where you are leaning towards, heart, and how he does not feel the same anymore.
So why do we bother hurting?
Because the heart does not listen. It does not seem to mind of being hurt by the one that it fancies.
He is not treating you right. If he is genuinely interested in you, he will consistently demonstrate his interest and leave you in no doubt about it. – argues the brain.
But why does the heart not listen and still long to see that face and hear that voice all over again?
Hey, do you know that I just realized something funny when I saw you earlier today?
You want to know what it was all about?
It is that, I think …
At our current state …
I might slightly like you a little bit more than you like me.
And that is bad..
You know how I realized this tiny revelation of mine?
I’m not trying to sound vague, but after some thorough flashback analysis, I figured that my body language pretty much spoke it all.
As embarrassing as it may sound, my body reacted involuntarily in favour of your presence.
Did you even realize..?
That my eyes involuntarily wandered off from the top to the bottom of your physique as I was checking out what kind of outfit you were wearing, how more muscular your body had become.
That my mind involuntarily went into this “zen” mode (pun intended) as I was trying to hold on to conversations and look at your face a bit longer that I should, even when you had already moved on to your next topic.
That my gaze involuntarily became fixated on the floor and I kept looking down as I was trying to hide the tremble in my smile, the fear in my eyes and the embarrassment on my face as my eyes met yours.
What is with all these feels that had rendered me incapable of becoming myself in front of you?
Why is it so hard for me to act like we are only regular friends?
I am no master in hiding feelings.
So to be completely honest, I do have this constant fear of my feelings being exposed when I talk to you face to face.
I can surely hide them as we speak online, but face to face..?
It’s a tricky one, isn’t it?
Hence, that might be the reason why I can’t act normally in front of you..
But why do I get the feeling that you are not being yourself in front of me as well?
That, you are always not sure on how to act and speak whenever we meet face to face?
We are a weird bunch, aren’t we?
That makes me question:
Are we able to pull through this phase of unfathomable awkwardness?
Or are we going to stay like this for the rest of eternity?
I sincerely hope that I can get to know you more on a genuine personal level real soon.
And I look forward to the day that we become close enough not to feel awkward anymore.
Be bolder now, will you?
And just talk to me…