Hi, my name is G and I have a confession to make.
I still have feelings for a guy who had dumped me three months ago.
Been only close with him for a month or so, I still have troubles getting over a guy who dated me for almost two months time, confessed to me, went away for two days and came back a changed man, who then proceeded to ghost me, made an emotional monster out of me and eventually made a conscious decision not to even be friends with me anymore. You could say he practically hates me, really.
I thought I had gotten over him these past few months. I thought I did a great job moving on. Well, it was rather slow, but I thought I did manage to finally move on. I was about to give myself a big warm pat on the back when I realized that I was wrong..
I don’t think I have moved on just yet. Or you may say that I have, a little bit, but seeing his face all over social media these past few days had failed my entire moving on thing and now I am back on square one. Great.
Fuck, I can’t believe I’m breaking down for this.
I have been feeling rather foolish lately. Is it PMS? Has my body been possessed by a melancholic ghost? I don’t know. But I have been feeling rather off lately..
When I think about it, I suppose I was able to move on from him since the last time we chatted mainly because he rarely posted anything on his social media. I have to admit, I checked on him from time to time. But there was never really anything. No updates, no new pictures, nothing. Which was great! Because when he had no activities, I didn’t have any reason to think about him.
But now that he is very active on his social media sites, he’s all I see everywhere.
He’s all I see. He’s all I think about.
Images of him keep popping up in my mind, as I incessantly replay our memories together.
You know what’s weird?
I actually feel happy every time I look at him looking so cheerful in his pictures.
I know he’s been dying to go back to TW and now he finally did! I can’t imagine the amount of happiness that he felt when he knew he was going back to TW. He is clearly having the time of his life now. He’s all smiles and cheers and I just couldn’t help but smile stupidly at my phone screen every time I see the new pictures that he posted. I’m happy seeing him being so happy.. Foolish, I know.
But my smile is often followed with a sudden jolt in my heart. I look at his face, his smiley face, and as I get myself further lost into thoughts, I think of him, more and more and more, until my head is filled with nothing but him, it’s suffocating..
I think about our memories. I think about the could-have-beens.
I think about how good it would be if we were together and I was there with him, enjoying TW with him. He did promise me that he would definitely take me back to TW someday and be my personal tour guide, for that matter.. But I guess that promise is no longer valid, huh.. Just like all those sweet nothings that he whispered to me last time..
I miss you, I miss being with you.
I sometimes feel that I have not shown you enough of me.
If I were to turn back time, I think I would show you a different me, unbound. No shame, no regrets, just be in the moment.
Before we parted ways on the very last date we went on, you asked for a hug. I was taken aback by the request and only proceeded with showing you a funny face as I didn’t know what to do, how to respond to such question being thrown away so spontaneously. You held your arms open, inviting me in. I froze, not knowing what to do. It was an awkward one whole second before you finally awkwardly took me in your arms lightly for a slight second, I suppose out of embarrassment since you already had your arms hanging in mid air anyways. I didn’t even have my body facing you because I was too afraid to make eye contacts and look at you. So you sort of hugged my body sideways. It was an awkward ‘sideway hug’, alright. Whatever that is. IT WAS AWKWARD.
But when I think of it now, I regret not jumping on my wits a bit faster back then. Now knowing that it was the last time that we would meet each other with such fond feelings towards one another, I regret not embracing you right and feeling you in my arms when I had the chance. I regret not hugging you.
Now I can’t even talk to you, I can’t even see you, let alone have any forms of physical contact with you. Even if it is possible, we aren’t the same anymore. We aren’t the foolish dumbs that we were back then, who were ever curious about each other, who were fond of each other.
I gotta say..
You had me, man.
You had me good.
I am basically a mess now.
And I blame it fully on you.
You were too good in whatever game you put me in. You won, I lost.
You brought me up to cloud nine, left me hanging there for quite a while and when you wanted it over, you let me go just like that.
To think that you already found a new girl you like now..
To think that you have made that girl your girlfriend now..
So what does that make me?
Just a sour fucking loser.
A sour fucking loser who thought you were sincere, when you never were.
Or maybe you were, but I missed my chance..
.. yet again.