Fuck whatsapp.

Fuck facebook.

Fuck instagram.

Can I just live one day off any of those? 

As much as I want to, why is it so hard?

Facebook – When I open Facebook these few days, all I see is him. All I want to see is him. Even when he is not on my news feed, I look him up, curious to know what he was up to, say, last night or the day before. What new comments did he make. Who is he planning to meet up with while he’s there. 

Instagram – I got tired of instagram. Sometimes I got so consumed by it that it was the only thing I checked on all day. And it was tiring and pointless, for all that matter. So I stopped.

Last but not least, whatsapp. I don’t have anyone chatting me up on whatsapp these past few days anyways. So imagine how great it would be if I could just not worry about whatsapp for a change. Not worry about whatsapp at all. Fuck those damn blue ticks anyway right! 

Confession Part. 1

Hi, my name is G and I have a confession to make.

I still have feelings for a guy who had dumped me three months ago.

Been only close with him for a month or so, I still have troubles getting over a guy who dated me for almost two months time, confessed to me, went away for two days and came back a changed man, who then proceeded to ghost me, made an emotional monster out of me and eventually made a conscious decision not to even be friends with me anymore. You could say he practically hates me, really.

I thought I had gotten over him these past few months. I thought I did a great job moving on. Well, it was rather slow, but I thought I did manage to finally move on. I was about to give myself a big warm pat on the back when I realized that I was wrong..

I don’t think I have moved on just yet. Or you may say that I have, a little bit, but seeing his face all over social media these past few days had failed my entire moving on thing and now I am back on square one. Great.

Fuck, I can’t believe I’m breaking down for this.

I have been feeling rather foolish lately. Is it PMS? Has my body been possessed by a melancholic ghost? I don’t know. But I have been feeling rather off lately..

When I think about it, I suppose I was able to move on from him since the last time we chatted mainly because he rarely posted anything on his social media. I have to admit, I checked on him from time to time. But there was never really anything. No updates, no new pictures, nothing. Which was great! Because when he had no activities, I didn’t have any reason to think about him.

But now that he is very active on his social media sites, he’s all I see everywhere.

He’s all I see. He’s all I think about.

Images of him keep popping up in my mind, as I incessantly replay our memories together.

You know what’s weird?

I actually feel happy every time I look at him looking so cheerful in his pictures.

I know he’s been dying to go back to TW and now he finally did! I can’t imagine the amount of happiness that he felt when he knew he was going back to TW. He is clearly having the time of his life now. He’s all smiles and cheers and I just couldn’t help but smile stupidly at my phone screen every time I see the new pictures that he posted. I’m happy seeing him being so happy.. Foolish, I know.

But my smile is often followed with a sudden jolt in my heart. I look at his face, his smiley face, and as I get myself further lost into thoughts, I think of him, more and more and more, until my head is filled with nothing but him, it’s suffocating..

I think about our memories. I think about the could-have-beens.

I think about how good it would be if we were together and I was there with him, enjoying TW with him. He did promise me that he would definitely take me back to TW someday and be my personal tour guide, for that matter.. But I guess that promise is no longer valid, huh.. Just like all those sweet nothings that he whispered to me last time..

I miss you, I miss being with you.

I sometimes feel that I have not shown you enough of me.

If I were to turn back time, I think I would show you a different me, unbound. No shame, no regrets, just be in the moment.

Before we parted ways on the very last date we went on, you asked for a hug. I was taken aback by the request and only proceeded with showing you a funny face as I didn’t know what to do, how to respond to such question being thrown away so spontaneously. You held your arms open, inviting me in. I froze, not knowing what to do. It was an awkward one whole second before you finally awkwardly took me in your arms lightly for a slight second, I suppose out of embarrassment since you already had your arms hanging in mid air anyways. I didn’t even have my body facing you because I was too afraid to make eye contacts and look at you. So you sort of hugged my body sideways. It was an awkward ‘sideway hug’, alright. Whatever that is. IT WAS AWKWARD.

But when I think of it now, I regret not jumping on my wits a bit faster back then. Now knowing that it was the last time that we would meet each other with such fond feelings towards one another, I regret not embracing you right and feeling you in my arms when I had the chance. I regret not hugging you.

Now I can’t even talk to you, I can’t even see you, let alone have any forms of physical contact with you. Even if it is possible, we aren’t the same anymore. We aren’t the foolish dumbs that we were back then, who were ever curious about each other, who were fond of each other.

I gotta say..

You had me, man.

You had me good.

I am basically a mess now.

And I blame it fully on you.

You were too good in whatever game you put me in. You won, I lost.

You brought me up to cloud nine, left me hanging there for quite a while and when you wanted it over, you let me go just like that.

To think that you already found a new girl you like now..

To think that you have made that girl your girlfriend now..

So what does that make me?

Just a sour fucking loser.

A sour fucking loser who thought you were sincere, when you never were.

Or maybe you were, but I missed my chance..

.. yet again.

What Have I Done?

(I wrote this post on August 16 and saved it as a draft. Since I already took the time to write it, I might as well post it, hey)

I asked myself today a very depressing question:

“What have I done to deserve this kind of treatment?”

A background story:

He messaged me last night, confirming about our movie ‘date’ this Tuesday. I said ok since we agreed to go, let’s go. Then he said to me, we can go but with some terms and conditions. I asked him what terms and conditions. And he answered me with the most ridiculous thing ever.

He asked me, to go and meet him at the cinema. To bring my own car, and meet him at the very cinema. He is not going to pick me up, nor send me home, so indirectly he was telling me that we could go for the movie but you need to take care about your own transport because I am not going to pick you up nor send you home just because I don’t think I want to make the effort to do that.

Hurt, was what it felt when I read his texts.

I thought to myself, “Oh my God.. I have actually come to this point.. To the point that he does not give any more FUCKS about me anymore, literally. He definitely was not hesitant in showing me that he cares no more.”

Ask yourself this very question.

Who, in God’s name, would do this kind of thing in pursuit of a potential girlfriend? No one.

Meaning what? Meaning that he does not see me as a potential girlfriend anymore so he just treats me as he pleases. Just like his normal buddy, if you may.

I find it amazing to see someone changed in a blink of an eye.

One moment he was telling me how he liked me, and in the blink of an eye, he went missing and became ignorant towards my feelings as he returned.

Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve this.

I avoided relationships like a plague. When I thought I was not ready for them, I never looked for them.

I hurt someone once. And it was ugly. So I avoided relationships at all costs because I didn’t want the same thing to happen again. I don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings. I want to avoid that the most.

So I didn’t get into relationships and avoided hurting people along the way. As far as my knowledge goes, I am pretty sure that I never did. But why do people treat me this way? As if I deserve to be treated this way. One moment embraced then the next minute, dumped. As if I am no value. As if I have no feelings.

End

Eventually, at the end of the day, all I feel is nothing.

After food had been lavishly consumed, conversations had been shared, and time had been mutually spent with one another, at the end of the day, I still feel incomplete.

You ask me why, unfortunately I myself don’t know why.

I don’t know what makes me feel this way.

I did spend time with the people that I love. I had dinner with my beautiful parents, I had lunch and coffee time with my best friends. You’d think it’s enough. You’d think I’d feel contented. Fuck, I thought so too. 

But why do I always find myself feeling down at the end of the day. Like something is still missing. Like there’s something else I’m looking for to complete my ‘life’ in a nutshell. 

Even after I had taken countless pictures at that hipster coffee place that I have been wanting to go to. Even after I had posted those highly edited pictures on Instagram and received virtual likes from the people I don’t entirely know. Even after I had checked in in that particular place to show to the world that I was having fun. Even after all those shit, I still feel incomplete. I feel nothing. Even emptier than before, to be quite honest. 

And the emptiness that I feel makes me feel so frustrated. Frustrated at myself for feeling this way. Frustrated because I can’t seem to find what it is that I’m looking for. Frustrated that I can’t bring myself to feel happier. 

And at the end of the day, I feel sorry for my parents because they have always been patiently keeping up with my emotional roller coaster with minimal questions. And when I see them looking at me lovingly, all I wanna do is cry and hug them tight. They love me unconditionally. Their love should always be more than enough for me. But why can’t I stop being so frustrated at nothing and JUST BE HAPPY.

Stop looking for something/someone that is not meant to be in your life and just be happy.

BE. HAPPY. 

JUST BE HAPPY, MAN! 

Smile :)

image
Just smile, Gracia.

Continue smiling.

Everything will be alright.

Just continue to be the smiley girl that you are.

Even when you’re bursting in tears on the inside, screaming silently for help..

You’re gonna be okay..

You don’t know it. You doubt it. But everyone’s got such confidence in you, you don’t want to disappoint them. You don’t want to hurt them.

Even when nothing’s in your control. Even when you don’t know what the future holds.

So the least that can be done is to smile.

And sleep your sadness away.

Missing You

I’m missing you tonight and it’s… bad.

I’m missing you bad.

I don’t know what brought me here.

Was supposed to be editing photos and uploading them online but my mind has been elsewhere since the very inception of the night.

Took a shower to freshen up. Had dinner to energize self, but in the end, still couldn’t find the motivation to be completing the task at hand.

Instead, I have been finding myself very.. “unstable”. Like, my mind has been aimlessly drifting somewhere else. I don’t know where but I feel somehow lost and elevated at the same time? I feel peculiar..

As I listened to music and chatted with friends, I thought about how I used to do this all the time with you last time. Every night, to be exact.

Next thing I know, I scrolled through the photos in my phone and saw a picture that somewhat looked like a selfie that you sent me before.

So I took out my ipad and searched for your selfie.

Then I saw your face..

An emotion lingers..

This is it, the cause of my uneasiness.

Some nights I don’t think of you.

But tonight, something got to me.

And I’m missing you..

And I’m missing you bad.

Lonely

largeHave you ever felt that you have no one to talk to?

You have friends, and they are always all ears.

But the stuffiness inside your chest, you just don’t know whom you want to/can share them with.. and in the end, no one.

And in the end, the stuffiness remains.

As well as the sense of loneliness that stays

什么是爱?

一个人 的爱情 很简单,

两个人 的相爱 为什么反而变得很难?

为什么呢?

总是我喜欢你,你喜欢她。你喜欢我,我喜欢别人。

要去爱一个人是很简单的一件事。

可是要找到一个和你互相相爱的人实在是太难了。

那烟,和酒 也都戒了

证明有多在乎你了

我觉得呢,爱情不是那么简单的。

你喜欢一个人的感觉,不会那么容易的消失。

当你真真喜欢一个人的时候,连你抽的烟,你喝的酒,你都愿意放弃。

因为你爱她比你爱烟和酒多。

你在乎她,你在乎她的感受。因为你喜欢她。

什么事情都愿意为她做。

你问问你自己啊, 傻丫头。

他有没有为你做了什么?

他有没有买给你什么东西,要看你开心的样子?

没有。

连吃饭都自己付钱。

我告诉你,如果他是真心喜欢你的话,他不会跑去哪里。他会一直留下,一直等你。

你还没有勇气接受他的时候,他一定会等你。

你还没有准备好打开你的心,他不会怪你的。他会慢慢的等待你,守护你。

等到最后一天你为他打开了你的心。

我不是说要做一对男女朋友都是怎么的困难。

可是,我觉得,当一个男人真心喜欢上你的时候,他能为你做得更多。

就是因为要打动你的心。

不是那么简单的要把赢你的心,要你做他的女人。

可是因为他真心的在乎你。

不用害怕,不必担心

缘分呢,我相信, 也是没有那么容易被打断的。。

Of Tolerance

“I smoke, but I will never intentionally show it in front of the people that I love. It’s like, If you ask me, I will be honest with you and tell you truthfully that I do smoke. But I will never intentionally show it in front of you. You just need to know that, I smoke.. “

Do you know how much value that those people hold in someone’s heart for him to say that?

Do you know how high of a compromise does that person give for the people that he loves?

I had never met anyone like you.

And I don’t think I ever will..